Friday, August 21, 2009

The unstoppable force and the immovable object

According to latest reports on the stand-off at EEjit castle a resolution has been reached.Mrs EEjit (34) declared that either the beard went or she would. Total EEjit (87) said he would fetch the suitcase.At this point a mediation board chaired by Jimmy The Butler (112) and Cook (3 1/2) was set up and negotiations went on for several hours until a compromise was reached.The beard would go but could come back at Christmas and for 2 weeks in August of every year. It was further decided that the beard should be tagged then released back into the wild.The local council and wildlife trust also got involved, the former believing the beard could become a major tourist attraction with coach trips of beard spotters from around the world.The boost to the local economy could be significant.The wildlife trust said they were very excited about the project as it was the first time in over a hundred years that a beard had been re-introduced into it's natural habitat.Beards are excellent foragers and can survive for up to 50 years in the wild.There is even hope of a breeding programme if a female beard can be found and introduced. The female beard becomes fertile twice a year and can produce up to seven beardlets each time.There is however a high mortality rate among the young beards as they are often killed by foxes who take them to be used as disguises in order to procure fraudulant bank loans.Female beards are much rarer these days and so chances of a successful breeding programme are slim.

14 comments:

Poetikat said...

In Canada, we have had a short interlude program entitled, "Hinterland Who's Who" to teach our inhabitants about the native wildlife. Each program starts with the title and the name of the species. We will have to introduce a new chapter: Hinterland Who's Who: The Beard.

(LMAO!!!)

Kat

ArtSparker said...

You have no idea how I needed a laugh today.

BarbaraS said...

...female beard... rare...? cough, cough, splutter, splutter. Youv'e just ruined me laptop - I spat me tea all over it! I won't be charging you though, it was worth the laugh!

Heather said...

So glad you have reached a compromise over the beard - I couldn't bear the thought of Mrs. Eejit having to leave her own home. Once your wildlife project is up and running you could do B&B for visitors (special rates for OAPs?) and I'm sure Mad Aunt Bernard would help you find a female beard in time for next spring's breeding season.

English Rider said...

Female beards are rare nowadays? Does Mrs. Eejit know what you've been studying? Now that you mention it a full-grown adult beard can probably survive for years just by grooming out its own stash of crumbs.

Jeanne Iris said...

OMG, TFE, that is so funny!

You know, there was something chattering in the tree right outside my window last night. Think it might be the scarlet-throated, white-tailed Beard, which once roamed the Connecticut countryside, having been brought to these shores by an Irish indentured servant in the 17th century?

When the sculpture comes this way, I'll pop this chattering critter into a box with ample provisions, of course, and you can set it free, back in its ancestral home. ; )

the watercats said...

hahahahahaa!.. Is it a ginger beard?... they must surely be even more endangered. I'm intrigued as to know their nesting habits, do they burrow? I must keep my eyes open for these new creatures, do they perch or scurry over the ground? what do they eat! they sound like they could be carnivorous... I reckon there could be seriously good B movie material in this!

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

How exciting!!! I've told the family - whatever type of female you want, we've got it. If you want a soft, demure beard there's Aunt Bench. If you want a crow's nest beard I'd recommend Mary Jaffa. And if a dense, thicketty beard is needed, I'll call Aunt Turgid.
What have you been feeding it on? And do you know the dangers of breeding beards in captivity. There's an excellent book by Dr Frugal McWhipple - 'Beards: Social Patterns and Pack Behaviour'.
Blessings & Swede rind x

Totalfeckineejit said...

Looking forard to that episode ,Kat.Will you tape it for me? When's it out April 1st?


All part of da soivice ArtSparker, hope you is having a better day now.

OOh, Er, Missus! Thank heavens you were only drinking tay, B. What if it had been wine of a Harvey Wallbanger? Oh, the terrible wastage.Put the laptop in the dishwasher, it'll be fine.


B+B is a great idea, Heather, beard and breakfast could really catch on,no charge for bloggy pals and I was kind of hoping Auntie would help.

All study,English Ryder, is for educational purposes only :)

That is a rare beard indeed ,Jeanne, be careful how you approach it, some feral beards have been known to develop defensive quills like porcupines.And if it's a singing beard be sure and keep it away from alcohol or real violence may ensue.

Yes, Watercats, they can dig shallow burrows particularly in the nesting season when the female is ready to lay her beardlets.They are mainly vegetarian feeding on seeds, nuts and berries but they have been known to feed on carrion in harsh winter.There was rumoured to be a beard that roamed woodland scenic areas and attacked(and some say killed)picknickers.This could be the basis for a good movie,I'm sure.

This is the exciting news I was hoping for Auntie.I was thinking a thicketty beard like Aunt Turgids would be ideal for the often inhospitable environment the wild beard occupies, but to maximise attraction and ensure a positive coupling perhaps Aunt Bench's soft demure beard would be more suitable.I know she couldn't live without her beard but do you think she might loan it to us for, say, 6 months? As the gestation period is only three weeks hopefully we should see some beardlets within that timespan. Thanks Auntie.
Ps. I'll try the book depository for McWhipple's guide.

BT said...

Have you thought of the dangers of beards arriving from Africa? They might breed with the harmless Irish beard and become greater stinging beards, attacking defenseless leprechauns as they pass by minding their own business. Tread carefully oh eejit.

Poetikat said...

Move over, Monty Python!

Kat

Totalfeckineejit said...

More dangerous than the African beard, BT, is the lesser Tasmanian farting beard.It's stench is legendary and has been known to melt granite.Worse stil is the methods of attack it utilises.It targets bald men and when they pass it leaps and attaches itself to their shiny cranium with superglue type spittle and proceeds to fart violently it's noxious smell till the victim is jelly and can be hoovered up by a leathery proboscis hidden in the beard.NASTY!!

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Aunt Bench's beard is in the post, Feck. One or two area's to be wary of: her beard is from the 'Sussex Lesser Blue' variety and won't tolerate being taken in any aggressive way or it emits a poison from it's piffle glands. Also, just as an afterthought, make sure it's not windy where you are, or the beards will blow away. Then Bench will throw an absolute spakker as she doesn't know I've lent it out. Cotton buds and yoghurt lids to you, Mab

Totalfeckineejit said...

It's official! I is funnier than Ponty Mython! Yippee, thanks KitKat.


Lucky that you are such a font of knowledge on all things beardy, Auntie.We will be very careful with Bench's whiskers and have them returned safe ASAP, hopefully after a succesful coupling.Though the Bench beard will have to stay for incubation of the baby beard eggs.(we will have to watch for foxes and scandanavian beard egg collectors.Jimmy the Butler is going to dig a grave beside the nest and bury himself with a snorkel,torch, taizer gun and coffee machine. He can remain in this state, semi conscious but alert to predators, for up to six months.