Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Should it stay or should it go?

I seem to have grown a beard.Since getting ill the bic razor was far too heavy to lift and the bathroom seemed a far and distant land, so beardy I became.I have grown quite attached to my hairy chin and it has literally grown quite attached to me,it will be the hedgetrimmers I'll be needing to shift it, but should I? I thought it made me look ruggedly handsome and covered up most of my face which has to be a bonus, but Mrs EEjit is keen for it to go and my confidence in it's appeal was further knocked by a neighbour who rather charmingly said my face looked like a hedgehogs arse.Except that he didn't say arse but this is a family show and I'm not repeating what he did say. I know one or two of my lady blogpals sport beards so maybe I should join them.I'm trying to think of other great beardy people down the years but am struggling.Hemmingway had a beard but I don't know many other writers that opted for the face fungus.In these recessionary timesI'm also thinking of the cost factors and heat saving. Not only could a beard save me money it might aslo keep me warmer in the winter. I buy a six pack of bic imitations for €2 roughly every 2 months so that would be a saving of €12 per annum straight away, factor in the cost of hot water and shaving foam and that saving rises to €15, or to put it another way, 3 pints of Guinness and a packet of Tayto.Then there's the time factor, shaving takes about 5 minutes per day x 365 days of the year = roughly 30 hours! By having a beard I would get an extra 30 hours in bed! That's pretty cool.I further reckon that if I stop brushing my teeth, cutting my toenails, washing, cutting my hair, changing clothes,wiping my backside ,that 30 hours leaps up to a massive 336 hours,that's a whole feckin fortnight!! Imagine another two weeks holiday every year and you could be drunk every day of the week on the money saved.Come on everybody, let's go for it, the whole worldwide downturn in the economy could be reversed by these few simple steps, global warming would be a thing of the past, summers would be summers again, love and peace would spread like the bacteria in our undercrackers, all mankind's problems (except B.O) would be a thing of the past.You KNOW it makes sense.

32 comments:

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

There is nothing better than a lovely beard...what kind is it?
Aunt Mary Jaffa likes to shout in booming tones - Hello! I'm Brian Blessed!
I think you could keep it, but is it normal for a man in your neck of the woods to have a beard. If you do keep it, Mrs Feck should have one too. A little ladylike one, like Aunt Bench.
Whiskers and handlebars to you
Mab

Niamh B said...

Beards are great for catching food (not immediately consumed) to be stored for later on as well.

Poetikat said...

PDO'D,

336 very lonely hours, I suspect, since I believe Mrs. Eejit will be long gone (and rightly so).
I'm with her: lose the beard! (My husband tries it on every once in a while--don't go there--and I veto it promptly!) Recently, he was sporting a "soul-patch" which looked rather like a grizzled dead caterpillar under his lip, but I let him keep it until he realized how wrong it was. Tell Mrs. Eejit there IS hope as he is now not only shaving with a blade, rather than an electric, but is even using Nivea cream and BALM, for god's sake! Miracles do happen.

Kat

Jeanne Iris said...

Frankly, I think a trimmed beard is attractive on a man. However, if the Mrs. is against it, you really need to shave it off. Perhaps, your statistics might prove to sway her toward a compromise, tho.

wv: reesin: With statistical evidence, Mrs. Eejit was convinced to let the beard stay within reesin.

John Hayes said...

Keep it TFE--I've worn a beard for years & would never go bare-faced again!

Heather said...

If we all did that, we'd each have to live like a hermit as no-one would come near us! Mind you, we'd all be pretty rank so maybe it wouldn't be a problem. Think of the exercise you are missing by not wielding the razor? It could hamper your progress back to good health.

willow said...

Mr. E, you should post a photo of said beard and a pole for voting!

ArtSparker said...

Jeremiah Johnson! Squirrel pelt clothing!

Sara said...

Oh how funny & how true! If girlies in particular stopped trying to make themselves look like some tart in a glossy mag, whose been airbrushed anyway, they'd be way kinder to the plant & to themselves. (She says bitterly being 40, going grey & slightly overweight!) I say Mrs E's got to have the casting vote on the beard - a beard can completely affect the kissing experience!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Dear Auntie , I must confess to always having been Jealous of your facial follicular extravaganza.Everyone wth a beard(particularly women) should boomingly announce themselves as beingBrian Blessed ,even at the supermarket check-out,the world would be a happier hairier place.Everything and nothing is normal in my neck o the woods.Fortunately Mrs EEjit lacks both the inclination and mercifully the ability to grow even a moustache.I really like beards on aunties but not on spousies. :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

That's a good point, Mrs Niamh, performer and radio broadcaster extraordinaire, but is a beard ever as good as a hungry dog at catching food? I think not!

The Weaver of Grass said...

Beards tend to make kissing not much fun - trust me I know what I am talking about.
As far as saving money is concerned - my son (Dominic Rivron) has a beard - don't know whether he has a secret hoard of money he has saved or not - must ask him.
You must be getting better as you seem able to do simple maths - always a good sign.
Get even better soon.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Poetikat, lonely is my middle name, bring it on! Soul patch , sweat patch it's all the one in the great melting pot of human existence.Nivea cream and balm? Do you realise ,kat, there are still parts of NW Tipp where are a man could be arrested for that! Don't get me started on the merricles again! :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Lies ,damn lies, and statistics!. Sounds good to me, Jeanne.But like you say I don't hardly look at meself -ever, even when I'm shaving , so maybe Mrs EEjit who looks at me occasionally under duress, should have the casting vote.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Good man ,John. Beardies of the world unite!We have nothing to lose but our razors and possibly our wives!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hermit living, Heather,is the way ahead, I'm all for it.A cave a brewery and Sky TV is all I need.Do you realise that if the whole world stayed at home for two weeks most viruses,including the common cold, would dissappear?Exercise is bad for you, I'm convinced of that.Jogging causes, tapeworm, jaundice,personality inanity, sterility and heart attack.Safer to stay at home with a sixteen pack in the armchair or the snug. :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Willow, a brilliant idea, I shall implement it forthwith and let the jam decide!Thank you.

Totalfeckineejit said...

I don't know who Jeremiah Johnson is, Art Sparker, but I like the sound of squirrel pelt clothing.Grey squirrel for the summer and red squirrel to brighten the long winter months.What do they taste like? Maybe we could eat all their nuts too? Make your own jokes now.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Sara, life begins at 40!Going grey and slightly overweight is all part of lifes rich tapestry. Ok I may have slightly overembroidered my waistline but thats another issue.I think it's beautiful for women to grow old gracefully.we've all been 21 and 21 year olds will all be 40 one day.Ha ha!Time is a great leveller.Perhaps Mrs EEjit should have the casting vote, I've never kissed anyone with a beard, except Aunt Mary, and she doesn't count, so I can't comment.

John Hayes said...

TFE: Of course in my case, Eberle & I hooked up after the beard was already in place--a great advantage. I had my mother's squirrel pie as a lad--a sort of strange & gamey casserole consisting of squirrels my father shot & chopped carrots & peas & some sort of gravy, along with .22 caliber bullet fragments. I can't say I'd highly recommend it.

the watercats said...

Well, I'm a lady and I'm quite partial to beards (being the other half of a beard owner).. I would love a beard myself, hours of facial fun could be had!.. I had a dream once where all the girls had big biker beards.. (might be something freudian).. Beards are great, every man should have one, unless it's a weak, fluffy chinstrap beard, or a magnum tash, then it's just wierd. I also read something about men with beards being thought of as more trustworthy and intelligent... though the Ronald would steal his own mothers shoes if they were aesthetically pleasing... (and she wasn't deceased).

steven said...

hello tfe, it really depends on whether you want the missus to see you as her cerebral guide - a hermit mind you but a guide all the same - or as the man she craves! my own bitter experience has been that the beard carries a quality of novelty about it that vanishes after the first beard burn (ask the weaver) and then it becomes a point of contention, and then it's a matter of how much you like getting told to shove off until you get your face cleaned up. you get my drift here?!!! steven

Dominic Rivron said...

I can recommend the beard option. It has never done me any harm. I keep it in check with barber's clippers about once a month (No. 2 setting - like for skinheads). Far easier than shaving.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Is this a confession ,weaver? I think you should post about your beard kissing exploits!I reckon Dominic is loaded, that's why he gives his guitar music away for free.Beliee me all maths was done on an industrial sized calculator.If I added two and two I'd probably get something ridiculous like four.:)

Totalfeckineejit said...

That was a good plan ,John. Beard forst, then woman.I can't believe you've eaten squirrel! I'm so jealous,not sure about the bullets though and did you take the fur off first?That's what I love about blogs, you never know where yer gonna end up- here we are squirrel eating.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Trustworthy,intelligent? Ah , now watercats, it's a beard we're talking about here, not a miracle.With you on the tache front, they are just plain wrong.I always think Magnum,Hitler and village people. Ron may like his mother's shoes but will they fit?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Steven, do I want Mrs EEjit to see me as her cerebral guide or the man she craves? Well I'm not dressing up as the postman so it will have to be as her cerebral guide. Beard burn, do you set fire to your beard? That sounds painful.
Thanks for your advice ,Steven.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Dominic,I am glad that your beard has never done you any harm.this is one of my biggest concerns that the beard may turn nasty, violent even and attack me in the night while I'm asleep.It's already been down the off licence while I was watching Eastenders. I often keep my hair cut to a No 2 so if I did this with my beard too i'd be a little worried that I might have one of those either way up heads they used to put in joke books.

John Hayes said...

Hi TFE:

My dad was "responsible" for cleaning the squirrels--mom drew the line there--& he usually got most of the fur off...

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey, John,that's so funny that your dad got MOST of the fur off!!

BT said...

Well, I'm afraid I plucked out my beard yesterday so I won't be joining you for one. I do agree with Niamh though, they are great for catching food. Mr BT does it all the time and has sported a beard for many many years. If the food misses his beard, he uses his t-shirt instead. I go directly to the t-shirt, cutting out the middle man (or woman, as it is in my case). xxxx From County Clare.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Great for catching food indeed BT and I've also figured that most household items if attached with a small section of velcro can safely be carried by the beard, especially handy if your pockets are fuul or both handsare occupied with pints of Guinness.warning though, this is not a suitable method of transporting infants.