Don't be expecting much now yous, I'm fecking dying here!
Act one, scene one. A doctors surgery.Dr Ted and Dr Dougal are walking tippy- toe style down the stairs.Ted is wearing a light grey Armani suit with open necked shirt revealing a hirsute chest and chunky chained gold medallion . Dougal is wearing full golf gear including red kangol cashmere beret, studded shoes, pink pringle sweater with yellow and green diamond pattern on the front and old style plus fours. He carries a no. 3 metal wood with him at all times ,night and day.
Entering the surgery they close the door gently behind them so as not to wake Dr Jack sleeping it off upstairs.
The receptionist Mrs Doyle enters with tea and toast on a tray.
'Good morning doctors'
Good morning Mrs Doyle , What have we on today? Ted asks, sipping his tea and checking his Rolex while Dougal vigorously practices his golf swing.
Well Doctor Ted, ye have 3 patient appointments this morning and a test drive with Leahey's garage in the afternoon in the new Jaguar XF.
'Good so!' says Ted as Dougal tries with all his might to free his golf club that he's trapped under the arm of the sofa. 'Who's first'
'Mr Kelly of the hill,' says Mrs Doyle, 'thinks he has swine flu'
Ted splutters into his tea then laughs nervously. 'Swine flu ?' he repeats, gathering himself, 'Nonsense! Tell me Mrs Doyle, does he believe the tooth fairy still exists too?'
'Jaysus, is the tooth fairy dead ,Ted?' asks Dougal concernedly and yanks once more at the club freeing it in a mighty arc across the room.
'Fore' shouts Dougal as the club strikes Mrs Doyle violently on the back of the head knocking her out cold.
Ted stares at Dougal, then Mrs Doyle in disbelief
'It was an accident' says Dougal pathetically 'no harm done' then after a pause 'Is she dead ,Ted?'
'No Dougal she's just unconscious' 'Put her into the recovery position, while I go and get a glass of water and and some ice'
'A lemonade for me please ,Ted'
'They're for mrs Doyle, Dougal, water to bring her round and ice for the swelling' says Ted, heading to the kitchen , Now put her in the recovery position will you?'
'Recovery position, right Ted' says Dougal blankly.
Ted returns 3 minutes later to find Dougal practicing his golf swing and mrs Doyle still unconscious on her head upside down in the armchair with her feet tied to the light fitting by the curtain tie backs.
'Dougal, what in the name of God have ye done to Mrs Doyle?'
'Great isn't it Ted? I found it in a book on yoga, it's supposed to be great for the circulation, whatever that is'