Thursday, August 13, 2009

Not Dr Ted etc

Don't be expecting much now yous, I'm fecking dying here!

Act one, scene one. A doctors surgery.Dr Ted and Dr Dougal are walking tippy- toe style down the stairs.Ted is wearing a light grey Armani suit with open necked shirt revealing a hirsute chest and chunky chained gold medallion . Dougal is wearing full golf gear including red kangol cashmere beret, studded shoes, pink pringle sweater with yellow and green diamond pattern on the front and old style plus fours. He carries a no. 3 metal wood with him at all times ,night and day.
Entering the surgery they close the door gently behind them so as not to wake Dr Jack sleeping it off upstairs.
The receptionist Mrs Doyle enters with tea and toast on a tray.

'Good morning doctors'
Good morning Mrs Doyle , What have we on today? Ted asks, sipping his tea and checking his Rolex while Dougal vigorously practices his golf swing.

Well Doctor Ted, ye have 3 patient appointments this morning and a test drive with Leahey's garage in the afternoon in the new Jaguar XF.

'Good so!' says Ted as Dougal tries with all his might to free his golf club that he's trapped under the arm of the sofa. 'Who's first'
'Mr Kelly of the hill,' says Mrs Doyle, 'thinks he has swine flu'
Ted splutters into his tea then laughs nervously. 'Swine flu ?' he repeats, gathering himself, 'Nonsense! Tell me Mrs Doyle, does he believe the tooth fairy still exists too?'
'Jaysus, is the tooth fairy dead ,Ted?' asks Dougal concernedly and yanks once more at the club freeing it in a mighty arc across the room.
'Fore' shouts Dougal as the club strikes Mrs Doyle violently on the back of the head knocking her out cold.
Ted stares at Dougal, then Mrs Doyle in disbelief
'It was an accident' says Dougal pathetically 'no harm done' then after a pause 'Is she dead ,Ted?'
'No Dougal she's just unconscious' 'Put her into the recovery position, while I go and get a glass of water and and some ice'
'A lemonade for me please ,Ted'
'They're for mrs Doyle, Dougal, water to bring her round and ice for the swelling' says Ted, heading to the kitchen , Now put her in the recovery position will you?'
'Recovery position, right Ted' says Dougal blankly.
Ted returns 3 minutes later to find Dougal practicing his golf swing and mrs Doyle still unconscious on her head upside down in the armchair with her feet tied to the light fitting by the curtain tie backs.
'Dougal, what in the name of God have ye done to Mrs Doyle?'
'Great isn't it Ted? I found it in a book on yoga, it's supposed to be great for the circulation, whatever that is'


Poetikat said...

You have resurrected "Ted". God you're good! The yoga line was hilarious and the golf club to the back of the head...I can see a reunion show now. Of course, Ted will need a replacement. Who will it be? Pierce? He's not busy at the moment, is he?
Is Jack the anaesthetist, by chance?


the watercats said...

lol!.... Hope you get funding for this show, it'll be a hit for sure! :-D

steven said...

hilarious!!! ha!!!

Sandra Leigh said...

ROTFL - Dying becomes you, it seems. Eagerly awaiting next installment -

ArtSparker said...

There's a Tom McGuane novel in which the protagonist is having his hemorrhoids operated on by a hungover surgeon who is reliving his traumatic wartime experiences. This brings it to mind. Love the yoga position.

Heather said...

I laughed out loud reading this. I think you probably wrote the script for the Father Ted series. Looking forward to the next episode. Keep taking the tablets but take care with the pliers and screwdriver.

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Wobbling with laughter...and I can hear the voices. No, not those voices, the ones in your post.
I will try and stop wobbling, as the shockwave from my double chin kills fish in local ponds.
Blessing, and will ye not have a cuppa tea? x

Poetikat said...

I want out! (just joking)


Jeanne Iris said...

LMAO!!! : )

So, is Dr. Ted as cute as Dr. McDreamy?

Dominic Rivron said...

Bring on Dr Jack! :)

Dave King said...

I'm with Poetikat: it was the yoga line made it for me.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks ,Kat, glad you liked it.Not sure about thenew Ted but I was thinking of Jack Nicholson (Sp?)for Dr Jack in the holywood blockbuster version.'Heeere's JACKY!!!'

Hey Watercats, funding? Any of your busking comp victory money left ?

Thanks, Stevo. :)

Dying is the new moonlight, Sandra Leigh!Thanks. :)

Must check out that book it sounds......uncomfortable!Thanks ArtSparker :)

Thanks ,Heather, you are right,I should be careful. I keep getting the tablets and the tools mixed up.Took ages for the pliers to dissolve and for the tablets to put the nail in the wall to hang my life support machine up.

You get them too, Auntie- the voices? Mine keep telling me to hide in the chimney till christmas and then surprise everyone.And a cup of tea? Go on then, I will , I will ,I will. :)

Kat, where ye headin'?

Who ,in the name of all things holy, is Dr Dreamy, Jeanne? Dr Ted is as cute-whored as Kerryman with money under his mattress. :)

Hey Dominic,are ye mad? He's still asleep thank god.Nobody wake him for feck's sake ! :)

Thanks, Dave,must do more yoga. :)

The Weaver of Grass said...

I think you must be getting better eejit - every day your post gets funnier. Dare I tell you that I have never watched Father Ted!!! Dominic is a fan and is always telling me about it though, so maybe I should have watched it. Can't be any funnier than your post today though. Hope you are improving rapidly.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks, Weaver, for your good wishes and glad you liked Dr Ted.I believe I am a little better each day. Dominic is right, Fr Ted was funny, but Mammy EEjit is horrified by it and always leaves the room :)

Jeanne Iris said...

Dr. Dreamy is the nickname of one of the doctors on the tv show, Grey's Anatomy. No Grey's Anatomy over there?

Jeanne Iris said...

Oops! That should be Dr. McDreamy...very important, the 'Mc'! Please forgive me.

Totalfeckineejit said...

McDreamy? Isn't that an ice cream from McDonalds? :)

Sara said...

Thank you for making me laugh out loud until it hurt x

Helen Suzanne said...

love it!... I will have to be back fer more, I will, I will.

Totalfeckineejit said...

That's great Helen,thanks, I'll tell Dr Jack he has an appointment he'll be delighted :)
Lovely photos on yer blog by the way.