Friday, March 16, 2012


Patrick was a humble cobbler born in County Roscommon in 1942. He rose to fame and indeed sainthood by ridding Ireland of a terrible scourge,The snake of Knowledge. This snake was the deadliest, ugliest, most feared snake in all Ireland. It was the fastest snake in Ireland.It was the cleverest snake in Ireland. It was the richest snake in Ireland.It was the longest snake in Ireland.It was the shortest snake in Ireland.It was the slowest snake in Ireland. It was the stupidest snake in Ireland. It was the ONLY feckin snake in Ireland.
It had been left behind by invading Vikings in the early 1920's and was really pissed off as it hadn't had a shag in 20 years. This made it grumpy and unapproachable hence its fearsome reputation. Myth also had it that the snake contained all knowledge and if anyone were to eat its flesh they would know everything, a bit like Stephen Fry.

Anyways in the 1960's Jimmi Hendrix was on tour with Joe Dolan and they were to play a big concert at Boyle Castle supported by Big Tom and The Mainliners. Disaster struck just hours before the gig when Jimmi's snakeskin boots went missing, presumed stolen. Panic broke out as Jimmi broke down in tears wailing that he could not go on stage without his lucky boots. The whole town went mad searching for the missing boots in hope that they could be found and the gig go ahead.

Patrick was finishing up in his shed when he heard the news. Taking a quick look around he heard a frantic hissing in the haggard and there among the clamps of turf was the mighty snake being amorous with jimmi Hendrix's boots.Patrick leapt into action with a long handled beet fork and taking the pre-occupied snake by surprize killed it stone dead.You could say It came and went all in one go.
Patrick picked up the boots but they were in tatters, shagged out. Thinking on his feet Patrick whipped up the dead snake and deftly skinned it with a penknife to patch up the boots good as new.

The concert went ahead and Patrick was hailed as a hero, famous the length and breadth of the world, even as far as Ballyfermot. A week later his head exploded when he cooked and ate the snake.The myth had been true the snake did inded contain all knowledge. The vikings had in fact come bearing gifts but had been fucked off out of it by local dairy farmers who didn't think it funny that they had horns on their funny hats.

10 years after his death someone got out of purgatory 10 mnnutes early after strangely praying a novena to the dead cobbler for the help of his wisdom.The Pope at the time, Pope Pontius Pilates Eurythmics, heard of this story and declared 'E musta truly be a saint innit peeps' and so it came to be.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

It was the best of times it was the worst, it's all poo and nuts but hope too.

So, the first proofs of me life's work 'Jewel' to be published by the lovely people at Salmon poetry have arrived. This is exciting and terrifying.Exciting because someone is going to put my poems into a real book that will be in bookshops and terrifying because someone is going to put my poems into a real book that will be in bookshops.

I mean when you write the things, you're slamming words together in drunken abandon not giving a flying fuck about anything because nobody's ever going to actually see the bloody things except yourself, the dog, and possibly the wife.It's just like having a poo, nothing much to look at but you're glad you've done it. But now that poo isn't going to be discreetly flushed away, oh no, people (admittedly probably very few , but still) will be looking at my poo and possibly dissecting it to see what's in it or what it means about its creator.A poetic kind of Gillian McKeefe could tell an awful lot from a single stool/poem. I'm laying my nuts on the line here and people might kick them or worse drive a train over them. Now that's going to hurt, big time!

But looking on the brighter side
I'm hoping that someone somewhere might be kind to my poo and find a sweetness in it that they like, Im hoping that maybe at least one single person somewhere will be moved by my movements, that's gotta be good enough?Make it all worthwhile? Right? I'm right? Aren't I?