Friday, August 28, 2009

Drinking water isn't normal


A) We all know what WC fields said about it








B)It tastes like an awful sort of mineralesquey sickly bland nothing,Very, very, well- er, watery.








C) It bloats you up to feck.After half a cup I was like full ,brim full ,right up to the neck from the toes.








D) Humans are about 70% water, so drinking the stuff is tantamount to cannibalism.Give it up I say.








E) Bottled water is always overfilled right up to the cap. All sanitised factory bottled products have like a safety gap at the neck of the bottle so that they don't blow the planet up if you drop them.Clearly most bottled waters are hand filled from a roadside petrol station sink in Carlow.








F) All tap water comes from toilets.Fact.

142 comments:

NanU said...

and you're a guy who -knows- his facts!
pass me a guinness

Poetikat said...

Are you passing yourself off as Shane McGowan now?

Water, eh? I luv the stuff - can't get enough, actually. I take gallons of ice water upstairs to the loo before I go to bed. (Course, I have hot flashes all night long and without it I'd go off my head! Just as Kev.)

We filter ours directly at the tap, so if it IS toilet water then we are at least getting the solids out of it!


Kat

Niamh B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aleph said...

The frightening truth revealed from a) to f) is so so terrible! We are 70% of an awful sort of mineralesquey sickly bland nothing that tastes like human, and yet the implicit & almost unconscious cannibalism act of drinking each other leaves us bloated to the feck. And brim full of nothing?

Totalfeckineejit said...

I know everything,NanU.Guinness coming right up, just let it settle.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Shane is a big fan of mine. Do you put the ice water in the loo,Kat? Might as well, sure that's where it comes from.Chewy water is not good.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mrs Niamh,is that an invite onto yur radio show?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Aleph, I am impressed at your grasp of the situation and succinct summation.Thank you!

Poetikat said...

Well, it ends up in the Loo, but I actually drink it first!
I'll have a Guinness as well - even though it'll make the flashes 10 times worse!

Kat

Poetikat said...

Oh Gawd! I see someone's asking you to expound on air. I can only imagine where you'll go with that topic.

Kat

SUSAN SONNEN said...

Item D is simply brilliant. :D

The Weaver of Grass said...

So here's me dying of thirst now!

ArtSparker said...

I like the cannibalism argument.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Go with the flashes, Kat and have a nice cool , black, unwatery Guinnes while you're here.And don'tworry Mrs Niamh just really wants me on her radio show cos Bono was busy.

Totalfeckineejit said...

It is Susan ,it is.You are always right,thank you :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Have a cup of tea, Weaver, at least it's boiled :) Don't forget, you're not supposed to start your poemtill 7 pm Monday and finish at 7.05.I'll be checking!

Totalfeckineejit said...

It's a good one Art Sparker and difficult to argue with unless you real;ly like argiung and I don't.In fact I hate it.Agreeing (within moderation) is my modus operandi.Unless of course I strongly disagree in which case astiff letter to The Irish Times is called for.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Have you noticed the way Iam replying to comments individually to make it look like I am popular and get loads?In fat I might even comment on my own post and comments.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Excellent post EEjit,though I feel you didn't really have anything to say today so made it up out of thin air just to stem the silence, to try to fill the void.
Don't worry I come to praise you not to bury you,Ha ha!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Now I'm feeling paranoid,i really didn't like that comment from me.I sensed irony,mockery and veiled threats.I'm thinking the ides of March and et tu Brute.
much less Finnegans Wake and all the other books i haven't read ,all glowering and glaring,high in the corners of my mind like a giant pile of books piled high, ready to fall on me at any moment.

Heather said...

I think you'll find that all types of drinking water end up in toilets TFE, not the other way around. Keep taking the tablets and maybe they'll take pity on you quite soon and let you have a beer or something even more interesting. The word verification for this comment is 'dializ'!! Sounds a bit medical to me.

Heather said...

You're looking very handsome for 108, and it can't be down to the water you drink.

Niamh B said...

What, do you think I'm going to beg? Once was enough.
I meant the other kind of air, the thing we breathe in and out, since water is such a minefield I'm wondering whether you should do a full exploration into everything we think of as necessary...

And anyway Bono's never too busy for me...

Poetikat said...

By the by, where I can get one of them Eejit beardy widgety thingies for MY blog?

Kat (I think we should all have one, so that people can keep a look out for it when it's on the lam, or lamb--maybe camouflaging itself, what?) I don't need Guinness-coffee seems to be doing the trick!

Kat

Totalfeckineejit said...

Dializ? I'm sure they stop the runs.And don't tell anyone, Heather, but I've been back on the beer this last week or so.Ssshh now, our leetle secret.Tee hee!

Totalfeckineejit said...

I'm teasing you Mrs Niamh.Sorry.Messing is my middle name Peadar Messing EEjit Farquaharson the third , in all it's glory, stolen from the people who used to own the castle, as was the castle.An interesting project, MN I will look into it, as I would lok into a fridge full of delicacies and Belgian beer.
Bono is my dad by the way.

Totalfeckineejit said...

In actual fact it's not easy being Bono's son.Pick up the paper and it's Bono this, Bono that.As son of Bono I don't get a look in.Often I say 'Daddio ,(for that's what I call him) do you think you could use your contacts to help me get a publishing deal for my writing?' But the reply is always the same. 'I'm sorry Sonny(for that is what Daddio does call me) and I believe in the stuff dreams as much as the next international pop star but your writing is beyond even my Midasesqueanous help' Then I put newspaper cuttings of the Edge's edgy guitar playing into my shoes to plug the hole in the sole and with my bundle and stick upon me shoulder I head off back to Castle EEkit with a single crystal tear caressing my downcast face.

Totalfeckineejit said...

I think I may forsake my blog in favour of the more clandestine and cosy comments section.

Totalfeckineejit said...

You can either
A) Grow one
or
B)Steal one

Alternatively click on the blue writing under my beard and folly the instructos.I think.

Heather said...

'Folly the instructos'? That sounds very much like Stanley Unwin TFE - or are you too young to remember him?

the watercats said...

I heard the "drink more water" thing is a lie, perpetrated by the bottled water companies (who else).. in actual fact, all of us get more than adequate amounts of water in the form of tea, coffee, soup, cucumbers and copious amounts of alcohol.. Drinking more water could actually make us EXPLODE!.. on a cellular level up!... there's something to think about the next time evian tries to sell you special volcanic magic different water water... sure, we must absorb more water than Africa ever gets sent, every time we dash from the car into tesco's for mini beers... :-)

steven said...

my three goldfish love water. that tells me something. if it hasn't been flavoured, treated, jacked up, depressed, filtered, hopped, yeasted, graped, cane sugared or whatever it takes to disguise it's lowly origins then it will not pass these lips unless a dire emergency arises which might consist of my neighbours denying me access to their own collection of flavoured, treated, jacked up . . . . . . . . cheers lad. steven

Megan said...

I like the idea of commenting to oneself. Do you ever not approve one of your own comments? And then does your self come back to see if you have replied to your comment, and get mad at you when you realize you have not approved yourself?

Megan said...

And I'm definitely stopping for beer on the way home.

Dominic Rivron said...

Thanks for the warning. When I lived in London it was commonly said that the stuff you drank from the tap had been urinated fourteen times.

What did WC Fields say about water? I didn't know he said anything until now. Now, thanks to google I know:
"Whilst traveling through the Andes Mountains, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days."
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."

It is also my favourite ever crossword clue (not that I do a lot of crosswords)...

HIJKLMNO (5)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Ah yes, Heather, I am actually really 108 and I remember Stanley Unwin well, he was brilliant.Stanley Unwin,Danny Kaye and John Cooper Clarke are all grains in the muesli of my mind.
Goodlybylode!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Watercats like WATERcats, why are you called watercats I've never wondered till now? And that spontaneous exploion theory is boss.I've nevber drunk a cucumber before though I do like a few slices in my Pimms no 1 cup with lemon and mint. Makes a lovely breakfast. :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Cool, Steven,that reminded me of the old lipsmackin pepsi add from 300 years ago.And thats a good point about Goldfish,we had one that cost €2 and it couldn't survive in our drinking water without a €15 cleansing chemical being put into it!!????

Totalfeckineejit said...

Commenting on your own blog is definitely the way ahead.ihope I will start a trend among bloggers.I'm certainly going to be commenting on all my posts from now on and if I don't like it I know what I can do!Thanks Megan.

Totalfeckineejit said...

And beer on the way home sounds good but make sure you're actually home before you drink it.safety first.

Totalfeckineejit said...

I think they maybe slightly cleaner versions of WC Fields comments.(Just twigged his initials by the way!)Dominic, it still took me five minutes to figure out the clue and that was knowing the answer.I hate cryptic(please tell me it was cryptic not the easy one)crosswords, but that is an award winning clue for sure.London tap water urinated 14 times? Now that is really taking the piss.

Jeanne Iris said...

Hey TFE,

Sorry I'm so late at posting here today....very busy with getting the new semester started and all. To tell the truth, I've partaken in the joy of Pinot tonight...sooo love ya, homey! : )

wv: homytvaq: what the h.... ???

Poet in Residence said...

Bottled water has a 4-year sell-by-date. If it's stamped 1.9.2009 on cap then it was filled on 1.9.2005 with or without gas it makes no odds. Your designer accessoire-bottle of monte aqua has probably been gathering dust on a pallet for the last 1,000 days give or take. Not only that but your are being robbed blind. There's a 1,000% profit margin. What you're really buying here is a plastic container with a piece of paper gummed to it.

Totalfeckineejit said...

4 years old PIR? That is scary when you think about it. And all the money we shell out because our tap water supply is not quite totally fit for human cosumpto and then it's possible our lovely bottled water is at least as bad.Doh!!
You joining in Monday 7pm?

Totalfeckineejit said...

And I

Totalfeckineejit said...

Really wanted

Totalfeckineejit said...

To get over the

Totalfeckineejit said...

50 comments mark

Totalfeckineejit said...

I'm nearly there now

Totalfeckineejit said...

One final push

Totalfeckineejit said...

And I'm home and dry, immortality beckoning like a disgruntled manager on the football sideline of ultimate oblivion.

Poet in Residence said...

TFE, Congrats on reaching 50.

Aprops Mon. I'm CET so will be there about 1 hour early. Shall I get them in ... ?

Niamh B said...

Thought for a second there if i deleted my two comments it'd bring the count back down to 49... apparently not.

Megan said...

I got that beat. Not on my latest post, but I got that beat.

And yes, I waited until I was home to drink the beer!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Jeanne, I missed you there,could have save me doing an extra made up comment.Good luck with the new semester-enjoy your pint of Pinot while you can but don't be late Monday night mind!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Could be an expensive round PIR, most of these poetbloggers are heavy drinkers and will also want snacks, but yes, go for it!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Ha, ha! Nice try Mrs Niamh,close but no cigar, not even a cigarette, not even a roll your own with soggy paper and all the baccy fallin out tha sides:) Good luck for tomorrow's show though.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Ah yes Megan, but clearly I is not quite finished yet! This may head for the 100 mark now , or more.To infinity and beyond!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Ps Glad you drank the beers at home, hope you didn't have many it's sooo bad for you.see how I got another comment in?

Totalfeckineejit said...

I can do as many as I like.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hundreds in fact

Totalfeckineejit said...

I wonder does the blog run out of room?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey TFE it's alright talking to yourself.It's when you start answering back that you should worry.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Fugh off!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Wonder what The Guineys book of bollix world record is for comments on a blog?

Totalfeckineejit said...

How should I know?

Dave King said...

Thanks for the warning, mate> I'll stay off the stuff in future. Do you happen to know... is it ok to bath in it?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Once a year is just fine,Dave.

Poet in Residence said...

- 1950's seaside postcard humour -

Fat Lady: Is the water in this establishment safe to drink?

Hotel Porter: I'd say so madam. It's been passed by the management.

The Lesser Weevil said...

I

The Lesser Weevil said...

Love

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Water

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And

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I

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Rarely

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Drink

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Anything

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Else

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And by the way ....

The Lesser Weevil said...

No.

The Lesser Weevil said...

Blogs

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Never

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Run

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Out

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Of

The Lesser Weevil said...

... shit!

Totalfeckineejit said...

FEckin

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Hell

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Weavo

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It

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Took

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ME

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Ages

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To

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find

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your

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comment

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and

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anyways

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it

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all

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came

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out

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backwards

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In

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me

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emails

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but

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was

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-probably

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the

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better

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for

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it

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Ha-

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ha!

Totalfeckineejit said...

At

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least

Totalfeckineejit said...

I've

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broken

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the

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hundred

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mark

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in

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blog

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comments

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thereby

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setting

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a

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new

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world

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record

Totalfeckineejit said...

yipppppppeeee!!!!!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Ps ver funny PIR, I likes it and forgot to reply-so rude! Me that is,for not replyo, not the humorous postcard. To infinity and beyond! More commentsplease is this a finite entity? Only YOU can find out!

The Lesser Weevil said...

It actually took me longer to keep typing out the bloody word verifications than it took to type the comments.

By the way ............ Are we there yet?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Are we there yet?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Are we there yet?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Are we there yet?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Are we there yet?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Now you know what it's like being a grandparent.

The Lesser Weevil said...

So glad my last comments kept you occupied. I bet it was like a little mental jigsaw puzzle!

Totalfeckineejit said...

It did keep me amused Weevo and yes it was like a mental jig-saw puzzle, but then nearly everything you do is mental! Pip Pip!