Thursday, August 20, 2009

STOP PRESS MRS EEJIT GETS INJUNCTION

In a last minute shock development Mrs EEjit has taken out a court order against TFE's beard.(I seem to have taken to talking about myself in the third person, this is not a good sign.) A spokesperson for Mrs EEjit (MrsEEjit) says that she is prepared to take this case all the way to the european court of human rights (carlow dept) if necessary.She claims EEjit's beard is in breach of the Geneva convention's article 2 'The use of beards in non-military and domestic situations' and possibly breaks the conditions of EEjit's parole.In an emotional statement to the press Mrs EEjit (40) said at first she had been in favour of the beard as it covered up a good bit of her husbands face, but as time wore on and the beard grew more rebellious in it's night time activities, ( these included raiding the fridge and attempting to mount the next door neighbours prize Siamese cat) Mrs EEjit realised the whole thing was a huge mistake and that the beard was causing her undue emotional distress. Local Gards confirm the injunction and that EEjit's beard is under curfew and subject to a barring order preventing it from being within a 20 mile radius of Castle EEjit the couples ancestral home.Mr EEjit (29) who recently underwent key hole surgery to have a key removed, was unavailable for comment.

24 comments:

Poetikat said...

What type of key? Skeleton?

You should have a ceremony - perhaps you can shave and retain all the hairs for a cremation, or you could bury them in the garden (I hear that hair keeps hares away from your veg.)

I just have to ask: was the Siamese a male or female and what's its name?

Way to go Mrs. E (for banishing the beard and landing yourself a young one like the Eejit! If he's telling the truth, of course.)

Kat

Oh Lord! The captcha is "s'nestin" (I added the apostrophe).

Niamh B said...

It's not that bad a sign to talk about yourself in the third person. Meanwhile Niamh has discovered it's dangerous to read your blog in public, because of copious guffaw inducing bits. Good Riddance to the beard... Was resenting the idea of someone getting 5 mins extra in bed anyway.

Heather said...

Go Mrs.Eejit - Go!! That's what I call Woman Power and I'm glad she's not afraid to wield it!

willow said...

Uh-oh. Sounds like the rebellious beard is taking on some wolfman tendencies. Not a pretty picture.

steven said...

hey t.f.e. if i were you i'd make like a rotten floorboard and give in. steven

The Weaver of Grass said...

Can't stop to write much as I am busy painting my banner to come and stand outside your castleeejit in support of Mrs E

the watercats said...

goddamn human rights p.c brigade courts! them's the reason the world is fecked!Soon, someone somewhere will decide that Mr Tayto should be portrayed as a carrot and red lemonade should be more yellow...
Anyway, found out some answers to your demanding questions, they go thus;
a-hem.......;
we think so. soon. that's the plan. matbe next year. Hugo chavez, who interestingly has banned the sale of coke zero... A.U, atomic weight 196.966550 and finally; The range is mostly located in the United States but extends into southeastern Canada, forming a zone from 100 to 300 miles (160 to 480 km) wide, running from the island of Newfoundland 1,500 miles (2,400 km) south-westward to central Alabama in the United States (with foothills in northeastern Mississippi). FIGHT FOR THE BEARD!

ArtSparker said...

Poor, poor unloved Beardy.

I would totally do the illustrations for this saga. I hope Beardy is simply down but not out, and will use his hairy charm to get Mrs. Eejit to relent.

Jeanne Iris said...

Yes, definitely, a ceremony is in order, followed by a raucus celebration to honour the 'new face' of TFE!

Bet you forgot the wink, huh? ;)


wv. Fandityp: A loyal fandityp the champagne, launching the raucus celebration.

The Lesser Weevil said...

I'm sorry I missed all of the kerfuffle about this beardie business. Before going for the old black and decker, I would hesitate and contemplate for a while. My eldest son has a beard and his better half - far from deploring it - actively encourages him to keep it. She says it makes her feel like a cradle-snatcher if he shaves it off (he also cannot buy tobacco or alcohol without his fuzzy friend) as he is too much of a baby-face underneath. I asked if she didn't find it irritating in 'certain' circumstances, at which her eyes gave a demonic twinkle and she flushingly replied "Oh, no!". Kinky little beggars!

My husband would never have grown a beard. All of the best fertiliser came out of his mouth and was thus wasted, leaving nasty brown stains down the collars of his shirts. Besides which, if presented with similar circumstances, I wouldn't have stopped at the beard! Well, why dirty a perfectly good Scythe just for a few whiskers?!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Skeleton Key it is, Kat, ha ha :)
Between you and me kat, the beard has been released into the wil, more later.Yes,the cat was male or female and it's name was thunderous beetnik of fleidermouse the third, or 'Get off my lawn!' for short.I is a true poet kat, I often lie bit i always speak da troot.S'nestin? As the cuckoo is s'nestin in me beard?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Wil? What the feck is Wil? The beard has been released into the WILD.EEjit, if i've told you once, I've told you a hundred times and I'll tell you again, yer a fughin moron!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Which reminds me EEjit, you're like one of those hapless, hopeless, message conveyers that put an apostrophe in the wrong place or leave one out and cause a war.Given the message 'we are waving the white flag, in unconditional surrender' you would convey it as 'Come and have a go if you think your hard enough, lady legs!'

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mrs Niamh,Da EEjit agrees with you on third person parlance.And that is so nice to say ye guffawed at me blog, that actually means a lot. Really.Hard cheese but I'm taking the extra 5 minutes in bed coz I has been through L'ordeal und, beard or no beard, I is worth it.

Woman power? what is this the Spice Girls reborn? Women are indeed the most powerful wonderful species on earth,Heather, (apart from Tapirs),but there's no need to showboat! :)

Not pretty, indeed, Willow. I just thank god it isn't a full moon.Which reminds me ,I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nowoooooooooooooo!!!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

I think you might be right ,steven:) I will be the rotten floorboard full of woodworm dry rot and self doubt!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Weaver, that's what I like to see militant action,even if it's contrary to my position. A banner paints a picture, paints a thousand words. Vive la protest! :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Watercats, Mr Tayto should have been elected that time.i think his stunning resemblance to Dirty Bertie confused the public into voting Fianna Failed again.Thanks for unexpectedly answering my questos! I wasn't expecting that! Have you signed up for Chris Trabant's who wants some money? FIGHT FOR THE BEARD is fighting talk.Huzzah!

Totalfeckineejit said...

ArtSparker, Yeah, Yeah , Yeah! Immortality through impeccably stylish gifted illustration, oh, go on! It would be deadly, even better than shaney mAc.(Whom I'm still waiting for!) :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Celebration,raucus ceremony, party time,drink, feck ,girls, can I bring the life support machine?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Weevil, where ya been? Your absence has been noted!I know what you mean about the beard adding years,I look 109 with the beard and 108 without it.What are 'the certain circumstances?' Is it Kayaking down the Amazon? Shopping in Argos? Tea time with the in-laws? And the last bit, ouch!If that was me the nasty brown stains wouldn't be confined to the collars!

John Hayes said...

I take it you're deferring to a higher authority? Probably wise.

BT said...

Well, good for Mrs Eejit I say. Now if you dyed the beard the same colour as yer skin, Mrs E wouldn't see it would she? Cunning stunt eh?

The Lesser Weevil said...

Now,now EEjit. A man of your parts should not need these things explaining to him. Those 'certain' circumstances are the ones that doubtless resulted in the three grandchildren - not to mention my son's panicked arrival on my doorstep, seeking motherly protection from the strumpet who lusted after his bones. Naturally, I did as any good Mother would. I kicked him out and told him to take it like a man. That reminds me, I must warn my daughter-in-law about my son's beard. I could have sworn he is amassing WMD in there - Well I definitely saw a flick knife.

So you missed me then - I wuz hidin!

I'm off hidin' again tomorrow 'til Thursday morning - got a job training locusts to defaecate on Pigeons - see how they like it! I will be lurking in the Aylesbury area, jumping on Policemen and offering to wax their helmets. Moneys shit, but the coffee's good and the cells are quite cosy.

Glad to see you're improving - either that, or you've been eating the wrong mushrooms again.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Oh, I get you.Those 'certain circumstances' it's when the television broke isn't it? Flick Knives in beards? I almost got arrested for that, it was a close shave.I hate pigeons more than probably any other creature except ostriches, could you not train elephants to do their poo on them?
Hope you won't be too long in Aylesbury nick.That's a long way from home isn't it? Still feel pretty bad Weevil, but not as bad. :)


As authorities go ,John, they don't get much higher than this one :)

Yes, good plan BT, thanks. I'll dye the beard green!