Friday, October 23, 2009

IT'S A THREE HORSE RACE !


And there are no horses! Shock Horror Probe and garibaldi biscuits.Come here to me, listen ,there is only uno dayo lefto of the world's first (another EEjit exclusive) bus driver election.The candidates are listed elsewhere on this blog but I can exclusively reveal that all round good egghead Albert Einstein is in pole (poll?) position with a massive 5 votes followed closely by Burger King (Elvis P) with 3 votes and in third place equal Homer Doh! (dough?) Simpson and Leonardo di Caprio's Moaning Lisa with juan votino each.(Ok, that makes four horses)


No other fucker has any votes at all!!! Not even the lovely Maggie(whip 'em ,shoot 'em ,hang 'em, flog 'em -the people and the council houses) Trasher.




Your poetry Bus needs you, be sure and vote.




Other news in The Peeps Republo D'EEjit is that I need to lose weight. I normally guage my fatness by the notches in my belt and the ability to still get into the car through the drivers door.I have run out of holes in me belt and a suit that (when I say 'a' suit I really mean 'the' suit as I have only ever owned one suit) I wore to a wedding last Oct and functioned without bursting even after a 5 course meal and some blood pressure inducing individualistic dancing, did barely fit onto me for a funeral today.So drastic action is required if the suit is to fit me in a few months should someone decide to get married or joss it.




The car entrance/exit method without getting wedged is a good guage of fatness but i felt I needed something a little more precise in it's measurement of weight loss.So I got a new fangled gadget called 'a scales.' The last time I stood on one of these was on my honeymoon in the hotel (it also had a fancy thing called 'a shower' for washing - incredible!) 14 years ago and I weighed 11.5 stone.There have been a few mince pies under the bridge since then and I was sure that I must be all of 12 stone by now.Imagine my surprise when the digital readout (posh eh?) recorded a whopping 14.7 stone. So I ate a bit less that day, didn't drink so much and walked a bit further and managed to weigh 14.9 stone by the end of the day.Clearly I have some kind of superhuman fat metabolism that fights back against any attempt to attack it.I should give myself over to medical research. I'm going to weigh myself now to see if today has brought any loss/gain.Back in a minute....................................




Lo and behold I am back to my original 14.7 stone, clearly the fat is at it's optimum weight and will vigorously defend any attack upon it.I will have to draw up a battle plan.




Meanwhile, people fought and died to get the vote, so don't waste yours! Vote now!

24 comments:

Jeanne Iris said...

Ah yes....the ever present need to lose weight. I've found that when I don't think about it and become totally engrossed in something mysterious, mysteriously, the pounds melt away. So, as my spiritual mentor, Big Al, would say:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." ~ Albert Einstein

wv: wings: those appendages that appear mysteriously just when we need to accomplish something important.

John Hayes said...

Thanks TFE, I learned something--I'd always been mildly curious about how stone converted to pounds & your post spurred me on to discover this.

My problem is that for years I can't get a waist size that's an even number, so now my trousers are always a hair too big (much preferable to the opposite!)

Sandra Leigh said...

Well, all right. If I can't have St. Brendan, I'll vote for Albert Einstein, because he has such a gorgeous goofy grin.

the watercats said...

I guage my weight in length of wobble.. at the moment I'm at a thirty twenty second rate when lightly struck in the belly region, thirty seconds round the ass and hips.. it's a worry... other than that I care not.. I keep a selection of favourite trousers for varying occasions in sizes twelve to sixteen, for however and whenever the fluctuations occur... glad the old mona made it in just by a smidgen!

Heather said...

Good Luck with the weight loss. It is harder to do the older you get, so that's in your favour as I think you are probably a good 25 to 30 years younger than I am. I have given up dieting as I just put on more each time I stopped. I now try to keep away from the obvious fattening foods, walk more and have slightly smaller portions. I am a comfort eater which is very annoying - I really envy those who say they don't want to eat when they are worried.

Argent said...

Horses? Wha' happened to da horses? Did somebody pinch them? Call the Gardai somebody, quick before they pinch somethin' else. Eej, you could try runnin' alongsida da bus, that'd get rid of a few pounds. As Jabba the Hut's body double in da last Star Wars, I know aaaallll about da fat! Word verification witio (witty-oh).

Titus said...

And if I can't have the immaculate Bassey, I'll take the King.

NanU said...

I'll vote for Al, but only if we can still have Homer's promised donuts. With sprinkles.

(if you're going to keep track, it's best to weigh yourself always at the same time of day, since one's weight varies as much as a kilo over the course of the day. In the morning before any breakfast or beer is the most flattering moment.)

Poetikat said...

Haven't you heard of the Guinness diet? You drink only Guinness and eat only bananas and prunes. Guaranteed to lose 10 pounds in 2 days! Good luck!

Wigeon said...

TFE, it's the fact that muscle weighs heavier than fat that could be your problem. You know, all those pints of Guiness you've been lifting have obviously taken their toll on building some dense Popeye-type muscles in your arms?
If in dire straits for another 'required' occassion there is always the other suit ......the birthday suit ......well OK, perhaps not!

Come on Albert - you're gonna win, sure you are. The wind's behind you now and you're in the home straight. Spirit the win away.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes Jeanne, except for me the pounds mysteriously accumulate after I get engrossed in a carry out.Then I stand and wobble and stare at the stars. But then in the words of WH Davies....


"What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?"

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes John, they always quote pounds in American cop films when describing the suspect and I never know if 180 lbs is Tiny Tim or Fatty Arbuckle.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Don't worry sandra,St Brendan will be back next week with Shirley Brassey

Totalfeckineejit said...

That is a good system for younger slim people Waterkatz.But is no use to me as the wobble never subsides, it has it's own perpetual motion.Good idea to have various sizes for all occasions.I don't know if 'Man at c&a' is still going, but I'm waiting for 'Fat Bastard at Penney's' to become a label.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Heather I am probably 10 years older than you and comfort eat too.In fact the only time Im not eating is when I'm asleep.But I never sleep.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Argent, I ate them with some fava beans and a nice chianti!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Burger King it is then Titus, but don't worry Brassy will be back

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks for that weighing tip , NanU.
But can I be genetically modified to be thin please?
Donuts with sprinkles? drool!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Jaysus! Poetikat, if I drank only Guinness and ate only prunes and bananas I'd be inside out by the end of the week!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks for that Wigeon and in which case i think my belly may be the biggest muscle in the universe.

willow said...

That stone thing has always confused me. Guinness and prunes?! Yikes, don't do it, Eej!!

willow said...

Hey, last week the bus came early, so I'm ON now. I've posted and am ready to ride...

Poetikat said...

Don't youse know I wuz only bein' faseeshus?
TFE, ONE prune juice and I'm inside out! (Guinness is another story—then I'm outside IN!)

NanU said...

Mister Eejit Sir!
I have done my duties and my poem and I know the bus doesn't leave until Monday but it's Monday already somewhere it must be, so I'll just sit here on the bus cracking pistachios until it's time.

and I'm going to step over my security word:
gnalliti