Sunday, September 19, 2010

DFTP'S / Argent's Poetry Wedding Coach!

The Wedding Song


If you like Pina Colada
and getting caught in the rain,
if you're not into yoga,
if you piss in the drain,

if you wear ladies clothes at midnite,
or dress up in a cape,
then Dublin's the place your looking for,
go right there to escape.

I was hidin' in a lay-by
Iknow that sounds kind of weird,
but you'd do the just same
if your girlfriend grew a beard

Then I realised I was in denial
about my girfriends hairy face
it was the thing that I longed for
that I'd been a disgrace

I was using her wardrobe
but she never knew
all the things that I bought her
I was wearing them too

I wanted to tell her my secret
and not be ashamed
it was me that was wrong
not her beard should be blamed

But her feelings had been hurt now
and I'd left it too late
to tell her I loved her
and that I'd like us to mate

I'd have to find someone new
fall in love and be glad
that being a transvestite
wasn't really all that bad

So I wrote to the paper
took out a personal add
said that I was broken hearted
and feelin really sad

I said I loved drinking poteen
and bog snorkelling in June
I liked eating out at Supermacs
and popping my boils with a spoon


I'm a bit of a cross dresser
and now I like hairy women
that I'm into licking toadstools
and going late night nudey swimmin

I've got a massey Ferguson tractor
tied with twine and red tape
I'll meet you on the bog road
and we'll plan our escape.

I only got one letter
but she seemed really nice
said I'd meet her at the chinese
for wine chicken and rice

So I waited in my high heels
satin knickers trimmed with lace
and I couldnt believe it
when I saw the beard on her face

It was my old manly girlfriend
and she said 'Oh feck it's you'
then we cried for a moment
and she said I never knew

that you like being a woman
coz I like being a man
so why don't we get married
just as fast as we can

We could be in Dublin by midnite
and in the morning tie the knot
your the lady-man I'm looking for
and I think you're really hot

So we travelled by tractor
on that balmy starry night
with her full length beard
she was a lovely sight

That next bright summer's morning
the wedding was a hoot
I looked nice in her white dress
and she looked cool in my suit.

20 years have gone by now
and our love was not in vain
if we had our lives to live over
we'd do it all just the same

we've had our share of good memories
happy days and of tears
but Still we kiss and we cuddle
after all these long years


So if you like Pina Colada
and getting caught in the rain,
if you're not into yoga,
if you piss in the drain,

if you wear rubber gloves at midnite,
and like dressing up in a cape,
then follow our example,
plan your dreams and escape.

43 comments:

Helen said...

...... you nailed it!

Peter Goulding said...

Absolutely top-notch bloody brilliant. What a touching ballad! Brought a tear to my eye.

Rachel Fox said...

I always liked that song (so cheesey it's great)! But I like the way you've changed it...especially the boils and the spoon!
x

Heather said...

Aaah! It had a happy ending too! I love it.

Argent said...

I laughed my fat ass off! Brilliantly witty and fun, Eej!

Jessica Maybury said...

deep man, really deep

Titus said...

Oh, I love the happy ending - we just don't get enough of them in this poetry world of desolate truth.

Magic, truly, throughout, and doesn't it just pull you along?
These two verses my mega-favourites:

I'm a bit of a cross dresser
and now I like hairy women
that I'm into licking toadstools
and going late night nudey swimmin

I've got a massey Ferguson tractor
tied with twine and red tape
I'll meet you on the bog road
and we'll plan our escape.

Karen said...

Oh my God!!! I love this so much! I'm singing through the whole thing. Heheheheh! You win!!!

English Rider said...

Just loverly!

Jeanne Iris said...

A match made in heaven!

Niamh B said...

a very touching love story within this one.
beautiful

The Bug said...

Yeah I was singing this while I read it - I always loved that song. But then you mentioned Massey Ferguson & my heart just melted. Swoon!

Gwei Mui said...

OMG ROFL when do you cut the 45! This is brilliant :)

martine said...

You'll always win me over with a reference to bog snorkelling.
great poem
much love
martine

The Josie Baggley Company said...

ah gawd I can't get the bloody tune out of my ceann now!! I've been WOEFUL at blog-commenting as of late'twould be SO much better if there was a loud-speaker- microphone-application-button-thingamajig on here so as you could talk to everyone at the same time.. ...just been up to mey eyebrows.
Hope you're well
Rainey J

Lydia said...

Oh, Great!

-- and oh...great, as in I was just heading to bed and do you think it will be possible to sleep with that song in my head?!

-- but it is Great!

niamhboyce said...

With such magnificant boil popping lyrics who needs a spoon?

NanU said...

All fun, all the time! Definitely not your ordinary churchywedding.

NanU said...

You are evil. Can't get rid of this cheezy tune!

Jinksy said...

What an epic ode! lol :)

Debrina said...

I'm a newly fledged fan. I waved myself in the air and felt cooler after reading your poem.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

ok - can i just say three words?

Sheer bloody genius

This is how the original should have sounded!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Helen, I'm good with nails and hammers, it pens and keyboards I struggle with!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Pete, from you ,'The Maestro' that's cool!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Boils and spoons, Yeah!.Thanks Rachel!

Totalfeckineejit said...

I like happy endings too Heather!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Wondered what the big bang was Argent!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Tis deep Jessbury, thanklee!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Titus, Hip Hip for happy endings!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Keep singing Karen! I loves singing!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thankerly English Rider!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Heavenly, Jeanne, just , heavenly!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Every cloud Nib.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey bug, MASSEY FERGUSON!!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Christmas No1 coming soon, Gwei Mui!

Totalfeckineejit said...

BOG SNORKELLING! Martine!

Totalfeckineejit said...

I know Josie, would be greatr just to megaphone and not have to batter the keys with sore fingers.Not enough time in the days!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hope you got some sleep Lydia and didn't dream of beards and Pina Colada!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Boil popping lyrics!! I likes that NiamhBoyce!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Sorry NanU, it goes away eventually.Bit like the boils.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanksy Jinksy!

Totalfeckineejit said...

I likes the cut of yer gib, Debrina! Welcome!

Totalfeckineejit said...

DFTP.Youre still alive! Great prompt, and thanks.Hope all is well.