Monday, May 25, 2009

ELECTION POSTERS

Yes comrades,the circus has come to town,or is it a gravy train? Either way tis election time, mainly local but also Eurodisney,er I mean European elections. So all local still successful businessmen/women are putting huge grinning, gurning pictures of themselves on every possible lampost, building, bridge and vantage point, like some kind of scary art instalation or macabre portrait gallery.They remind me of those old western 'Wanted, dead or alive' posters- except of course these people are NOT wanted ,in either condition.Surely these attrocious apparitions are all that is required to secure a vote? (Or maybe 'Vote for me I've fingers in pies ,I might give you a piece of the status quo, fuck the world ,forget change,vision ,a quest for better, we'll be alright jack just scratch my back,I'm on all these committees committed to ?) Now I don't know what your local politicos look like ,but around here they look like extras from ' Night of the living dead ' Bad enough that they are hanging from every crack and crevice of the town, but, apart from a few terrified children in prams, most people can cope with the horror in daylit familiar surroundings. Nightime, however, is a different story altogether.I was driving in pure darkness outa here to somewhere else and all the faces were gurning at me left right and centre and in the familiar security of civilisation I could cope with that .But then I left the town and was following a lonely meandering riverside road and I was switched-off, mild and mellow, in the soporific zone of mileage accumulation. Man and machine in perfect harmony, slick gear shifts, gentle acceleration, mood music, leather trimmed steering wheel commanding 2 tonnes of ancient but lithe german metal.I'm in the twilight zone, the Irish Ayrton O'Senna of the backroads, 'Summer breeze ' by the Isley Brothers blasting from the Blaupunkt and blowin' through the Jasmine of my mind.I flick left then right through the S bends up to the hump backed bridge cresting a tarmac wave and thumping sparks from the twin exhausts, I'm almost airborne as the halogen headlights ,burning through the pitch black , spotlight three of the scariest looking fuckers God has ever created, terrifying and large lassoed high on an unsuspecting lampost, shock tactics hardly does them justice,if you wanted to kill or traumatise you couldn't plan a more effective ambush. I'm thinking Boris Karloff , Vincent Price,Freddie Kruger are handsome by comparison,I almost swallow my tongue in panic and terror and miss careering into the fast flowing waters by millimetres.

Someone will surely be found dead in an upside down car in the river before this election is out.

16 comments:

Poetikat said...

Don't you just save them all up for bonfire night or something? You truly sent a chill up my spine - the atmosphere, the soundtrack, the horror!

Kat

Our PM looks like a wee lad in short trousers to me.

Dominic Rivron said...

There's a UK MP called Ed Balls and I have often childishly wondered what it's like in his constituency in the run up to the election. Are there really signs that say "Vote Balls" and "Balls X" etc.? I came across a Councillor Grime in Lancashire and yes, at election time there are signs up saying "Vote Grime". Straight up.

Dominic Rivron said...

Could you not plant convolvulus under the offending posters? It almost grows fast enough....

John Hayes said...

Gloriously funny, but you're right-- politicos are a scary breed of creature-- look at the folks we've had over here up until recently....

Poetikat said...

P.S. I'm just loving your playlist. I had a little Joy Division fix for a minute there - hadn't heard them in years.
You need to listen to my 80s dancehall daze stuff on Blasts From the Past. (You also might get a kick out of my new post.)

Kat

I've never heard of Morcheeba, BUT I love 'em!

Heather said...

You're a naughty boy but you make us laugh and we love you for it!! It's our turn to be terrified on June 4th.

Jeanne Iris said...

I feel your pain. We had John McCain and Sarah Palin staring at us for months. I have to give Ms. Palin credit, tho. She made the wearing of glasses and hair clips fashionable again.

Glad to hear you're safe, though, TFE. It's just a matter of time, and yet another election will be in the books.

Jeanne Iris said...

oops! forgot!

word verification entries:

nizes: the pleasant feeling one gets while reading a well-written blog. example: When I read this blog and the followers' of this blog blogs, I am filled with the 'nizes' emotions.

tuaterr: the mating call of the African swallow upon reaching its nesting destination during an arid spell.

Randy Watson said...

Enjoyed this read very much. Sent by here via John Hayes. Thanks John

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Hello Feck - Love the post - we have no zombie candidates here, but I think a few of them may have appeared in 'Deliverance' - we have to go and vote our favourite South West redneck next week - jolly dee!
Vote Balls? I like that.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Believe it or not Poetikat but yer man with the y fronts whose image you said would stay with you for a long time is our Taoiseach(PM)

Nice one Dominic,there must be loads more hilarious election posters out there but going off tack a bit we have an insurance broker by the name of Crummy and his billboard advertises 'Crummy insurance' You couldn't make it up.
Also, nice try but It would take more than choking virulent bindweed to mask this lot! Funnily enough here in Ireland we hae Tayto crisps the equivalent say of your 'walkers' and their mascot is a sort dumpy potato man called Mr Tayto (he looked awfully like Bertie Ahern to me) and they put up election posters with him on all over the country and people took them as collectors items and eventually he was banned- shame

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks John,and yes the good Politicos are thin on the ground for sure!

Two visitsin one day ! I'm honoured poetikat and glad you like the playlist.music is vital and doesn't it provide a backing track to your life? funny how a song can be played,synonymous with a part of your life, and instantly takes you back..

And yes i like your music and the post was gas!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Jeanne, yes I is safe and to misquote Ozzy Osbourne after nuclear disaster the only things to survive will be cockroaches, TFE and Lemmy from Motorhead.And keep up the word verification for we will need a new (post) apocalyptic vocabulary

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Randy Watson and welcome to my humble ablog,JH is a bloggers sat Nav system of the highest order.Incidentally I once knew a 'Randy' Mandy O'Flaherty but that's another chapter entirely :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hello MAB, Deliverence sure is a scary film-did you see Burt Reynolds toupee? ARRGhhh! Apparently it secured it's own two season sitcom on cable Tv shortly after.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey thanks Heather tis a long long time since I was last called a naughty boy!Good luck on the 4th are all the posters up yet?