Sunday, September 13, 2009

Every day is like sunday

Especially when it is.Do not forget under pain of death doom destruction and a Killkenny five in a row, to post your wordy contributions to the internationally renowned and critically acclaimed 'Poetry Monday' a peoples republic of EEjit art in the community project generously funded by Cook's swear box.(Janey Mac, you should hear her give out when she burns her buns!)I'd like to thank NanU (yes Nan U, not Man U, though they did very well on Sat, go-on the reds!) for a creative bloggo award

To qualify I have to list seven interesting things about myself, but because I am SO interesting I'm going to name 10.

1)I have webbed feet.And gills.

2) The most famous people we (mrs EEj et moi) have met are Paul Durcan,Pat Kenny,Paddy Moloney,Vivienne Westwood, Anna Friel, Vinnie Jones and Jack Charlton.(Not on the same day)

£)I once appeared as an extra in an episode of Eastenders.

*) I have spent almost half my life in prisons.

%) I hold the world landspeed record for office chair piloting whilst farting and yodelling.
(239MPH on june 3rd 1978 at Bonneville salt flats in the US of A using a detuned Rolls Royce phantom engine and an Argos £99 office chair with high speed nylon castors.Yodelling and farting verified by special remote mounted sound/smell sensors)

6)I was exactly the same person in a previous life.

") I have one wooden leg but two real feet.

@)I streaked on a beach in Corfu

+)The family heirloom is a signed calling card from Countess Markiewicz

10) I am in real life teetotal

I now have to pass this award onto 7 more people, so I pass it on to YOU,yes, you reading this and six others.
Two of the 10 above are true,can you name them ?


Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Hello Feck!!
Like your post! Just thought I'd pop by and let you know that Man and Superman has been to Trebollocks today and hit the news headlines.
By the way, I don't beleive you were in Eastenders, I certainly don't beleive you've ever streaked because that is naughty, and the notion you've met Jack Charlton is ridiculous. But the rest is probably true. Fish bits and bladderwrack, Mab.

Heather said...

I am in fear and trembling of dreadful punishment if I don't take part in tomorrow's poetry post! I have read your ten facts about yourself and liked No.5 the best but thought that perhaps 3 and 8 could be the true ones. I believe that Man/Superman is coming to stay with me for a short time soon. I think he will be in need of rest and recuperation after a rather hectic and dangerous time with Jules and Mad Aunt Bernard. He'll need some peace and quiet before going back to the Lesser Weevil for more fun and games.

ArtSparker said...

I saw that film.

Niamh B said...

The true ones are undoubtedly + and %

Dominic Rivron said...

Monday's offering ready and waiting.

So which ones were true? I've whittled your list down to three. You could have spent time in prisons - my dad did (he taught painting and decorating in them). However, my hunch is that you're a Mediterranean streaker and Countess M marked your card.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hello Auntie,Mucho thanks for the mad (naturally) shenanigans over in your alternative universe.Atually you know Phil in Eastenders, yeah? Right well I was his mum Peggy for one episode.Babs (as wefellow thespians, even the stand in ones, call her) had too much jungle juice one day and fell asleep, spark out she was geezer!.I was delivering pizzas and out of desperation they put her wig on me and gotme to walk round on my knees saying ,no sorry, shawhting 'AHHHT,go on git AHHHT, you're barred' and Oi, we're FHAMLEE remember?'The potential truth of this and all other possibilities will be revealed in the transient course of nature's demise otherwise known as due time. Oi Oi!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Heather,I'd be in fear and trembling if I had daughters like yours!Please give Mangled and supermangled TLC and counselling when and if they arrive.Tanx

Totalfeckineejit said...

Is it a film too ArtSparker? I was thinking of the Morrissey song, I spend my whole life trudging slowly over wet sand.Actually I don't, but still, nice lyrics n'est ce pas?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mrs Niamh, 1/2 right!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mr River Run, you am too smart, but wrong.But yes, I even tricked myself, DOH!There are in fact 3 right answers not two.And you have 2.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Oh, and glad you have jah monday ting, I wonder how many others will show? Have to do mine now, PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE? I THRIVE on pressure, eat it for breakfast.(actually I crack like a (brekky) egg under a sledgehammer, say nuttin)

Jeanne Iris said...

Below is my poem, written while listening to “Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis” music composed by Ralph Vaughan Williams.
(If you write a new posting for Monday, please post this with those. Go raibh maith agat!)

Monday Poetry Assignment by Siobhan an Hun

Yearning for serenity
an unsettled mind
drifts gracefully
flowing in paralysis
a paradox offering
spiritual coalescence
sweet malady
sweeter melody
sweetest memory
core surge caresses
in divine rhythm
echoes from arched bones
guard this heart
in solemn surrender to stillness
filling silence with rapture

Sandra Leigh said...

ROTFLMAO! I vote for ") and @, mostly because if ") were true, it would be such fun to watch you @!

As for 2, Who? Or is that Whom?

Sandra Leigh said...

p.s. I'm so glad you reminded me. I've set my mobile phone alarm to go off at 18:55 local time. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get the predictive spelling bot to recognize "Totalfeckineejit"?

Rachel Fox said...

Too early for truth...done my Monday poem though. And that's true...

NanU said...

gladja likedit, Mr EEj.
As for those things, my friend Dan's dad Dan is out at Bonneville countless weekends of the year for the various car things, in his fabulously painted whatever, the one with the really really really cool flames (not just ordinary flames, but ones painted by Dan Himself, thus kicking the ass of all other car-decorations anywhere),
and He said there was definitely a guy a couple years ago with worse gas than Joey Rathburn, but the yodeling thing may have been kind of lost in the Doppler effect.

The Weaver of Grass said...

I think the two true ones are that you have streaked on the beach (my imagination is working overtime here!) and that you may well have met Jackie Charlton (we used to meet regularly in our local grocers as he used to have a cottage here - so suspect he might have one near you).PS The word verification is hophalf which suggests to be the wooden leg one might be true too. Or is it just a coincidence?? If so don't you agree it is uncanny?

Poet in Residence said...


eej's monday challenge

slap on the goggle-box;
the gaping gawping
cornered noise-box,

half turn of my right cauli;
another dolly-bird songlet,
the background noise,
imagine shimmer
on a blonde with lip-gloss

hey eej it's musik,
an airspray advert,

she lwks so good
ah oh
so good

but damn it eej
i can't see her

no i can't see her

no not from ear

The Lesser Weevil said...

Hiya Feck! I love your post, but I immediately wish to dispell and myths about you by pointing out the True statements in your post. 1) I think you lie!! There are THREE true statements here and previous photographs posted on your blog stand in evidence of this. A) You appeared as an extra in Eastenders. As a fellow hater of all things even remotely soapy, I too would travel half-way around the UK just for the privilege of sabotaging this shite, by belching loudly, picking my nose and groping the cameraman at a most inopportune moment (although one might argue that this would in fact improve the programme quality. B) You do indeed have wooden legs, but real feet. I discovered this when zooming into one of your earlier home-photo's where, on a shelf behind your desk, there is a tube of Athlete's Foot cream beside a small pocket size dispenser of Wood preservative. C) I also believe you have spent half your life in prison - as a dinner lady. I surmised this from a book I espied upon your shelf, titled "Children: Who the feck do they think they are and how can we adequately control their numbers (poison being the favoured method).

Go on - you may now tell me what a genius I am and you may prattle a while about my most amazing powers of observation and deduction.