Sunday, April 19, 2009

I'M GREAT !!!

I recently completed my first ever short story and I'm delighted with it ,partly because it's a story and it's short and therefore fulfills the criteria of the genre, but mainly because it's the best story ever written*. Which is pretty good for a first attempt.It has everything you expect of a top notch shorty, it's full of words and people and Tayto crisps and incredibly it's also got stuff like punctuation -some of which is even in the right place! I'm new to this form but if there is a short story equivalent of 'The Booker prize' I'll definitely win it and the money will sure come in handy as here at the castle a couple of chimeys, a gargoyle ,and most of the staff, need repointing. But back to the story; it's hard to define though I'd have to say it's a bit of a comedy and a tragedy.I'm not sure if it's a tragi-comedy , or comi- tragedy, but either way it's the meaning of life explained in 1500 words, 1475 of which are the same word,but there's a very good reason for this and a clever twist explaining all right at the end, just like Jonathon Creek. I've called it 'The meaning of life-the greatest story ever told, in a short story' I thought I better set my stall out from the start-no point in hiding your talent under a bushel and it's the kind of sexy snappy title that just seduces you into wanting more. And believe me there is plenty more for the inquisitive reader, murder, mayhem ,love, hate,jealousy, ham sandwiches and a betterware catalogue.This is a story that will make you cry and weep at the same time.it will make you question everything and give you all the answers, believe me you haven't read anything till you've read this story but be careful for when you do your life will never be the same again!
Available soon in a bookstore near you soon, real soon like really soon, or prepublication hand- signed, signed A4 sized,signed (Tesco's 'finest') copies can be ordered here (signed)at the castle at introductory special offer price of €19.99 per story or €30.00 for two if you want to treat yourself and surprise a loved one/neighbour / friend/bank manager.

*source-Guiney's book of Bollix.

29 comments:

Jeanne Iris said...

Indeed, you ARE truly grrrrreat, TFE!

Can't wait to read this! Anything with Tayto chips in it, must be a salty tale, indeed! Will you accept $$$? Oh please say yes....please!
;-)


Today's 'word verification' definition:
unaliduu: the act of unduuing in an ali.

Heather said...

Congratulations - it sounds great. I hope some publisher snaps it up. The story sounds very intriguing but I draw the line at Betterware catalogues.

John Hayes said...

Hilarious-- no, don't hide your talent under a bushel. Love that new masthead shot.

P Nolan said...

Truely, I am priviliged. The first commentator, present at the birth of a new literary era. I must read this work. No! That would sully the intent, brilliance and audacity. Simply send me key fragments by way of the ether, Sir. My Magick Antenna has been re-calibrated towards the People's Republic. I await your transmission. (Failing that, if I send my own blank A4 sheets, do I get a discount?)

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Congratulations on your short story, and the fact that you've highly pleased yourself with it! Do you think having drinkies with a tortoise has helped - gin often frees the flow of words for me. But then looking at my blog, I'm not sure that's always a good plan. Well done, Eeej.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Jeanne,I am indeed great, nay, magnificent.Tayto rule-cheese and onion of course and yes, dollars are accepted by the bucket load.I hope your keeping track of the 'newspeak' of word verification ,I have already forgotten the newword for potato that i vowed to use forever.

Totalfeckineejit said...

It reads even better than it sounds Heather,If it was a dance it would be Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers and Gene Kelly and Boris Karloff all rolled into one put through a liquidiser and sprayed into the Trevi fountain.And yes the whole world should draw lines at the betterware catalogue and shoot them through it's €9.99 mop handle and combined DIY heart by-pass kit, like arrows of discontent.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hi John, hilarious is my middle name.I'm not kidding we have a saint here in Ireland, St Hilarious, the patron saint of politicians.And yes the bushel hasn't been created yet that would be enormous enough for me to hide my light under.Glad you like the masthead :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes PJ , RHA, master of the brush and the pen, elements through the ether as we speak.But in case it's 'Houston we have a problem' then, yes of course, a discount will be made for blank A4 sheets sent with an SAE ON A BROWN ENVELOPE, hint ,hint.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Aunt B.I'd like to say that you're as crazy as a box of frogs, but that would not be fair on the frogs.Seriously though a pint of Gin and toxic with a tortoise is a cerebral wallbanger not to be missed and should this story of mine change mankind as we know it, then I would have to concede a debt of gratitude to the slow movin shellful quadraped otherwise known as 'Tipsy tortoise'.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Jeanne, that should be you're
and Heather it should be 'if it were'...a dance

BarbaraS said...

You're so pleased with having a story finished, aren't you? I'm delighted for you - 'tis a great feeling to have completed something as hard as that. Wait until your motor really starts to turn :)

susanmuses said...

FANTASTIC!!! You are the king!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Barbara 'Wigtown' Smith very many congrats ,to be picked out of thousands of entries is some achievement and yeah I'm gonna get my(honda 50) motor runnin' and get out on the highway!!!!!I could crack 35mph and hit Carlow by midnite, lookin' for adventure...

Totalfeckineejit said...

Fandabbydossey, thank you Susan,Iam king of all I survey and half of Ballycumber.

Uiscebot said...

send it on to me.

Dominic Rivron said...

It's very satisfying, finishing a story. I too love the new masthead shot. Is that grim picnic table just over the fence from all those odd trainers?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey thanks Uiscebot,obviously the real story is not all these things but it is finished.It'd be deadly if youd read it and tell me whats wrong with it and if anything is good.

WOMEN RULE WRITER said...

Such a pity u didn't finish it in time for the Davy Byrnes Comp. You surely would have won the 25k. Next time!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes WRW, I'm mentally spendo the money already,it's as good as mine.Mmm sat nav and xenon headlight for the Honda 50 for stareters.

Poetikat said...

Sign me up for a thousand copies! I'll hawk them on the corner downtown and take a cut. Your genius is soon to be revealed to the world!
I'm torn between saying this reminds me of that bit in the Meatloaf song where there's someone doing the play by play on the copulations in the back seat and a snake oil salesman standing out in front of his pokey rough side of town store.
We need repointing here as well, but if things don't work out, you can make a paste from the pages of your book mixed with porridge to fill the cracks.

Kat

You bring out the trippy-dippy side in me, Eejit. I can't explain it.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Bring out the trippy dippy side? That's just what the bank manager said to me last week when he approved a loan to pay for my construction of a combined alien welcoming lounge and pizza hut, on top of the red cow roundabout.
I'm getting Jimmy the Butler to hand copy in biro and send, a thousand stories to you.Apparently reading this story can also prevent premature male baldness and cure warts, so be sure and mention this when selling them downtown.Thanks Poetikat.

Niamh B said...

That photo is very nice... do you change them every week? Congrats on the story - lack of taytos is probably the single reason why none of mine have ever gotten anywhere, thanks for the tip!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Niamh,yip I'm gonna change de pics real regular now.I'm sure the story is rubbish really but there's no fun in that declaration.
But Niamh, patience, our day will surely come and the world will be at our feet, cleaning them with Eider duck feathers and Myrrh.

Poetikat said...

That is a fabulous phtography, TFE. Love the bright yellow contrasting with the dull grey. (Like yourself - a bright spot in a grey world.)

Kat

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey poetikat you really look like your name now, as I do.Glad ye like da poteegraph and they were nice words too,thank you.The gas thing is I'm a totally boring miserable bollox in real life-anything goes in blogland,you can be anybody- cool!

Poetikat said...

Speaking of which, come round and pick up an award--totally TIC (tongue in cheek).
Luv,

Kat

Liz said...

TFE, what a photo, what a story, you know what they say about self-fullfilling prophesies - it's all about believing in yourself...and at the mere mention of Tayto, I become a nostalgic wreck...and talking of which, how come Cadburys Easter eggs were going for a song ...1€...incredible!
Get the story out there and aim high!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Liz, Tayto seem to be a big hit all round, missed out on the euro cabrios eggas though, dang!And the whole greatest short story ever ting was just a bit o craic, feelin a bit silly now :{