Friday, April 16, 2010

Monday, Monday, looks good to me !

All together comrades! (Through loudhailer) What do we want? The Poetry Bus! When do we want it? Not quite today, or tomorrow, or the next day but MONDAY would be deadly, please, thank you very much.
What do we want? A drink! When do we want it ? NOW! What have we got? Nothing, except that left over bottle fromsomebody elses holiday to Corfu, Kumquat liquer! What do we want? Kumquat liquer! When do we want it? NOW!
What does it taste loike? Venos cough syrup and bleach! What do we need? Some more! The label says it is 'Old Fortress' but the taste says it's 'Old mattress'

Okay I'm putting away the loudhailer as it's frightening the Donkeys, one of them almost moved. Actually technically speaking Donkey may be an Ass, but don't tell him.( He's terrified of making an ass o himself.)

And I was also thinking (and you can't steal my idea because it's already patented) after that Kumquat liquer, why not make highly alcoholic medicine? I'm sure there would be a market. After all ,they already try to disguise medicines by making them strawberry flavoured or aniseed or mint or blackcurrant or orange etc. So why not make them 70% proof and market them as medicinal liquers?
Not only do they make you feel better, they make you feel GOOD ! Take the misery out of illness I say.Imagine the joy of the cure and if you die at least you'll die swinging from the lampshade instead of fading away in a miserable bed.

Imagine the wonderful scenario as you crawl paralytic along the street after 3 bottles of Kumquat neat alcohol antibiotics.Your neighbour sees you and says" Are you okay?" and you reply " No, I'm fuckin dying.Fancy climbing that lamp post?"

But I digress. And Mrs EEjit she tigress. What I'm trying to say is that the Poetry Bus is still on its world tour and it is currently in the capable hands of PURE FICTION.... Pure Fiction Bus Driver who has set a challenging but interesting task and everyone/both of you, that read this blog should throw down their shackles, their knitting, their Wii, their wifi, their wife/husban/ lover. Bin the Pot Noodle, switch off the TV, stop worming the cat, feeding the family, playing darts, skiing, naked mud wrestling,doing the crossword, tantric yoga, applying hemorrhoid cream, counting the stars, emptying the bin. Forget the pear,embrace the Kumquat and write a poem for the bus!

And incidentally (Re revious post), though don't quote me ,I am an unreliable sauce, sorry source- I don't enter poetry competitions!
a) because I can't afford them
b) because I wouldn't win them and
c) because in all honesty I'm not feckin interested in them and all they signify/ represent/uphold/promote.

So trichotomy. Do I like poetry comps? No. Would I like to win one? Yes. Would you pay to enter one? No.

The last ( and it may also have been the first) poetry comp I entered was the Patrick Kavanaaarrgh (mucho presteegious) just over a year ago and that told me told me all I needed to know. It cost me €15 to enter and I didn't even receive an acknowledgement let alone a rejection.That's very bad value for money. Great for the winner sans doubt but the poor schmucks like me, the cannon fodder? Nah! I'm very docile but there are only so many hoops I will jump through before I BITE!

There are one or two magazines I like and respect and I submit to them now and again and I'm happy, if they print the odd thing ( very odd thing), I'm even happier.

And remember, it costs NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, to submit to a mag. OR THE POETRY BUS!

Any way What Am I saying? I 'm saying get on the bus here... Pure Fiction Bus Driver

GET OFF your ARSE and get on THE BUS ! Pure Fiction Bus Driver
You know it makes sense!

Also, another thing. The Sun SHONE today.That can mean only one thing......... Jingle-jangle, jewellery,jewellery, now-then, now-then...


Titus said...

Gonna be a scary ride. Especially if it's fuelled by Kimquat liquer.

My top medicinal tip is J. Collis Browne's mixture (we just call it Collis Browne's) which is, and I quote, "Warming relief for Diarrhoea and associated Stomach Upsets and Coughs". It's the "and Coughs" that gets me every time. Anyway, to cut to the chase, it's got morphine in it, and it's non-prescription. I haven't had an illness yet it doesn't make feel better!
I'm sorry to be abandoning the mud wrestling, but I'll get on with my offering soon.
See you on the Bus. Which rules, by the way.

Elisabeth said...

I love to watch the bus from a distance. I'm still too scared to get on, but one day the topic as destination might inspire me to try.

Peter Goulding said...

Personally, I think doctors should prescribe the first Understones album or any of the first three Ramones albums.
Can't believe that tracks only 1min 29 seconds long. John Lennon was being awful long-winded...

Pure Fiction said...

Just snatching a few minutes between worming the child and mud-wrestling
the cat.
You know, "Get off your arse and get on the bus! Pure Fiction Bus Driver", could be read in a couple of different ways ;)

Heather said...

Love your new medicine idea Peadar but I'm worried about the side effects, especially liver failure, could be nasty. I might have to miss the bus this time, but will run to catch it next week.

Argent said...

Titus's medicine sounds good, where can we get it? Having trouble with Caspar the Friendly Ghost theme this week but I'll be there.

Unknown said...

I think what you're describing as medicianl liquor used to be sold in the States as snake oil at the medicine shows--in that case you'd get a fellow playing banjo along with your snort of medicine.

Did the teapot have a spill?

Dr. Jeanne Iris said...

Ah, but they haven't tasted anything until they sipped the spectacular cure for all that ails ya... Ta da.....Guinness Bubble Tea!
The sure cure for headaches, toothaches, viruses, hangnails, overgrown toenails, all diseases of and under the skin, hair loss, hair gain, migraine, your grain, back pain, arse pain.

: )

Totalfeckineejit said...

Well Titus I likes the sound of that Collis Browne's as Diarrhoea and a bad cough is a recipe for dirty trousers! Can't believe it's got morphine in it!And non prescrpiption?
Is it cheaper than Buckfast?Can you post me some?

Icidentally I'm rather proud of the number of times diarrhoea has appeared on these pages. (More times than a medical handbook)People always said this was a shit blog.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Elisabeth, GET ON THE BUS, we have a spcial seat for you and tea and biscuits and Ice cream and safe company!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Peter, It think you and I might have been twins seperated at birth!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Pure Fiction, you're doing a grand job, keep up the wrestling and the worming and the writing!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Heather don't mention the liver.It doesn't bear thinking about. But I'm sure one of my paented potent medicinal cures will sort even that out, one way or the other!

Totalfeckineejit said...

You can do it Argo! Ps you're driving next week!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Not my teapot John, just one of the many bizarre objects washed up (A cash register was nearby!)
Snake oil? Now your talking.I can see the ads now.

'Take the snake, it ain't no fake. Feeling ill? Don't take a pill, no need to die, here's mud in yer eye!'

Fancy playing the Banjo on the radio jingles?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Arse pain, Jeanne? At last a cure for me, the biggest pain in the arse in the woild! Buuble tea, cures me!