Friday, June 12, 2009

RIGHT THAT'S IT SUMMER HAS BEEN CANCELLED

Feck the weathermen the metereological statistics and all that nonsense , I ,TFE ,being of reasonably (albeit highly medicated) sound mind and body am hereby today officially declaring this Summer 2009 to be the worst fukin summer in the whole history of the world since time began even including the ice age or when the Dinosaurs jossed it or anything. Although I am not a person prone to random acts of violence , I also hereby also declare and solemnly swear giving all due warning and whatever legal caveats that are reasonably required under the ethos of fair play and/or jurisprudence, that the next person to say to me, or within earshot of me, that we are going to have a scorcher this year, is going to have a beet fork forcibly rammed up their anus. So , there you have it,and don't let anybody say I didn't warn them and ,yes, I am as of this very moment never leaving the house without said beet fork and will keep it ready and handy at all times of day and night. Thank you.

15 comments:

Niamh B said...

Now now, breathe in, breathe out, there there...

The Weaver of Grass said...

Calm down TFE - count to twenty or something - and look out of the window. Here in the Yorkshire Dales it is a warm, sunny day and we have just had tea outside on a bench in the garden - so put that beet fork away, smile and wait for that blue sky. Did I see you lived in Ireland? Well that explains it. The only time I went there on holiday it rained every day and the lady in our hotel said - you don't come to Ireland for the weather! Had a lovely holiday though - and accept also that it is all that rain that makes it the emerald isle.

Heather said...

Oh dear TFE, you've really got the hump haven't you. Now just put down the beet fork for a moment while I tell you it's going to be lovely on Sunday. Well it is in Bristol and I'll waft some westward for you.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thank you Mrs Niamh (hope your computers woes are over)Thank you Weaver of Grass and thank you Heather, my beloved and dear blogpals, thank you for noticing and for caring but I have to say,I am totally apopleptic sitting here on the 12 of june (high summer -Ha!)shivering and slightly squiffy looking out at fukin grey and rain mixed with rain and smatterings of grey dismal depressing sky. I have 2 jumpers on and would gladly switch on the central heating only for the facts that A)We have no kerosene oil ion the tank,
and B)The central heating boiler is fecked ,totally abjectly fecked beyond repair.
I have no money ,literally absolutely and categorically nil points in the great eurovision song contest of fiscal fortitude, in fact all the votes have been cast and all the Terry 'I'm no longer Irish' Wogan, woeful cliched trite aphorisms have been cast like tabloid tainted pearls of Norman Wisdom before the feet of contemptible people.And the resultant TFE scorecard is when all is done and dusted minus 10,000
points at an interest rate of roughly 90 points per month.And what has this to do with the weather you ask(did you ask?)Well the fact is that for the previous 8 months we have been, depressed and cold and dying clinging on in the firm but rattled belief that the salvation of 'summer' is on it's merry way to revive us, warm us ,sustain us through to the next bleak frozen incarceration that is wintertide.And yet here we are probably mid way through summer on the cusp of midsummers day nd thne longest day( longest day be bollix, the longest days believe me are in the depths of winter) frozen and forlorn and forsaken.I can't remember what I was goping to say but I woulkd love, dearly love at this moment in to get a large (preferably thorny) branch from a tree and in absolute Basil Fawlty style exasperation whip and beat this miserable fuckin summer into (at the very least) the middle opf next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poetikat said...

Just what exactly is a "beet fork" so I'll know it?

(Don't talk to my mother, by the way - she's notorious for being the harbinger of bad weather news).

Kat

Dominic Rivron said...

I've never understood why it's called midsummer's day. Summer never gets underway proper (hot weather, blue skies) till after it. What gets me going (or got me going last year) was August. July was great, then it started pissing down and didn't stop.

Kerosene is a pain in the arse. Use it here. We know. Only viable for those who lag the attic with wads of notes.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hey Kat,mothers can be lik that can't they-bubble bursters!A beet fork in my neck of the woods was like a long-handled pitch fork but with rounded blobs on the end of the prongs.I think they were used to pitch beet (sugar beet)into trucks.We used them for loading turf.I'm not that old but I can remember over the years first loading turf into a small cart pulled by a donkey,then into a tractor drawn trailer, then in more modern times straight onto a large lorry.The rounded prongs enabled you to shovel up the turf without sticking into it. Hard work for hours on end with four or five sods of turf on each forkful.In the 70's 80's the turf was all hand cut with a slean (pronounced slane) and took weeks ,all done in a day now by a big hired machine.I know of one family left back home that still cuts by hand. :) History lesson over.

Totalfeckineejit said...

I'm wondering ,Dominic,is this summer going to do exactly as you said last years did.And don't tell ANYONE but our loft is actually lagged out with wads of cash,it's part of the billions I earned from the Irish space programme I ran in the 80's -top secret, I tell you about it some day. I have to pretend to be an impoverished half-arsed poet photographer so that the tax man doesn't get his greasy mits on it. Say nuttin.

Poetikat said...

Ha! Thanks for the History lesson. I'm laughing because I was picturing a delicate silver fork with two tines used expressly for Harvard beets!!!

Kat

Hey, I've just posted something great on one hand and not so, on the other. Come and see.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Heather, thank you, your wafting seems to be working,both the weather and me are in much better form today,and if your prediction is right I'll be on top form on sunday :)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Janey Mac , Kat, you'd be a long time getting the turf in with one of them 2 pronged fancy silver yokes ! :)

Ps put the kittle on I'm comin over!

Poetikat said...

How do you take yer tay?

Kat

(I was scanning the comments for the "Janey Mac" person 'til I realized it was just an expression!)

Thanks for the visit and the lovely comments. I shall be sharing more of them, for sure.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Strong, milk no sugar and with a biscuit/cake/crumpet please.Your welcome ,Kat, :) and that's really funny that you thought Janey Mac was a real person,but then, how would you know?

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

It's all pants, feck... go and sit in the freezer, love - then the nasty sun fanatics won't seem so bad.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Sit in the freezer? Have you seen the size of it? Thre peas and a slice o wholemeal and it's full!