Wednesday, June 17, 2009

CASTLE EEJIT BANKRUPT ????


It's no use denying it folks the dosh has departed, the filthy lucre gone looking for a new home, the cash has crashed, the spondulicks has skedaddled,the...Ahh fugh it yew get the picture.We spent most of yesterday gathering brass coins out of the sofa and drawers and various tins and pots and pans and shelves and bringing them to the coinstar in Tesco,harvesting a total of €14.40 which is barely enough to pay Jimmy the butler's wages for the next six months let alone Cook's wages and all the other sundry requirements of a 14 bedroomed medieval castle. The castle ramparts are in disarray to the point of collapse and the portcullis is broken almost beyond repair.It's not just the recession ,though that has hit us hard, but various lawsuits brought against us by the visiting public.unfortunately we had no public liability insurance to cover us against unforseen accidents .I mainly blame jimmy the Butler for he had previously been a lion tamer in a travelling circus and convinced us it would be a good idea to open the grounds to fee paying visitors as a safari park. We left the arrangements up to him and he secured the services of many retired exotic circus animals including elephants and lions.The elephants were no trouble at all but the feckin lions were always hungry ,no matter what you fed them. One day we ran out of lion food entirely and the hungry beasts took matters into their own paws and ate a small boy who had strayed beyond the clearly indicated exclusion zone.The parents made an awful fuss altogether, made such a song and a dance of it,I couldn't believe it.The way they carried on you would think it was their only child but they had THREE others!!! We offered them free season tickets, one day specials to see the lions at feeding time, reduced price lifetime membership of the castle wild club (with 10% discount in the gift shop) and still they weren't happy ,kept weeping and wailing about 'poor, poor, Timmy' I even offered to name the lion that ate him 'Timmy' as some kind of commemoration and they just threw it back in my face and insisted on sueing us for damages.That payout and a few others to the ESB have left us almost destitute.So, in order to save the castle ,in particular the ramparts and the portcullis, i am announcing the launch of the 'Conserve ramparts and portcullis' campaign or CRAP for short.

19 comments:

John Hayes said...

Things are tough all over, TFE; I used to work at a historic site, & I know it's tough to keep the paying customers happy-- in the case of the grounds crew I worked on, we all got called on the carpet one day when we neglected to clean the peacock "droppings" off a bench at the main entrance & then some tourist wearing white trousers decided to sit there. Each of us thought the other had done it (it was in the morning routine). Peacocks or lions, you can't win.

Really like the new masthead photo.

Heather said...

What terrible trials you have had to endure. I wish you well with your CRAP campaign and hope things will soon pick up for you now the holiday season is beginning. I'd get rid of that butler if I were you.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Give me peacocks any day ,John, at least they don't eat humans.And what a totally dopey tourist! A)For sitting on shite
B) for wearing white tousers
And C) for trying to blame someone else for their own stupidity.As Mr T of The A team once said 'I pity the fool that sits on shits, then tries to pin the sin on me!'

Totalfeckineejit said...

Dear Heather, terrible trials altogether, never mind the tribulations.thank you for your good wishes ,it is indeed, as you say , the holiday season and despite the terrible weather we have had plenty of visitors.The good news on the horizon is that RTE (Irish BBC) plan to shoot a fly on the wall documentary of castle life in early Autumn.If I could get cook to sober up and jimmy the butler to stop acting the maggot, it could be a huge boost to coach tour bookings.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Sell the lions, I say!
That is my kind of header - that long road leading who knows where - are you intending to take it, or are you going to stay and fight?!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Glad you like the header, Weaver, that was one of the thousands of photographs that I lost before Christmas last year.A neighbour lent me a recovery programme and I retrieved about 50 photos, that being one of them.The lions have been sold at an almost giveway knockdown price to Felix Healy who has a kebab van, he promised he'd look after them and even use one as a guard cat, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since, and Felix did have a huge half price bonanza there for the last couple of weeks so....

Poetikat said...

I'd rather have the lions. Kid was probably a brat anyway. I love that acronym! Maybe if you put your hippo masterpiece up at auction with say, Sotheby's or Christie's you can make enough to keep the castle afloat.

Kat

P.S. I just picked up a book by Carol Ann Duffy and it's great!

Dave King said...

Have you considered highway robbery - or even kidnapping the visitors?

Uiscebot said...

You should campaign relentlessly. I want to see CRAP everywhere. CRAP on the internet CRAP on tv CRAP on church noticeboards

Totalfeckineejit said...

Exactly, Kat, pesky kid!Gave the poor lion terrible indigestion too, but did we complain, did we pass on the vets fees to the parents-no.
I don't have any C.A.D books but the stuff of hers I've read and heard I really like, good luck with the book :0 anmd enjoy your HOLIDAY remember?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Highway robbery? Well Tesco's have been getting away with that for years now so I might give it a shot.Kidnapping is tricky, we had Brian Cowen locked up in the Haggard for 2 months here but nobody in Fianna Fail or even his family would pay the €50 ransom and it was costing us €60 per day in food and fags just to keep him sociable.Disaster.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Like a good thing,Uiscebot, you can't have too much of a bad one.The more crap the better.Out with it , more crap everybody,go on force yourselves,but not too much, remember Elvis?

Totalfeckineejit said...

And talkin of kidnapping Brian Cowen for 2months ,do you know that nobody missed him ,not even in the Dail.The country was only alerted to the fact that he was missing when there was a massive drop in the takings at Supermacs in Birr.

The Lesser Weevil said...

Such a dreadful sorry time you've been having for sure. But, you know what these big cats are like - you feed 'em; ask 'em if they're still hungry - they say "No y'alright mate, that'll do me fine 'til tea, thanks". But are they telling you the truth? - NO - THEY'RE LION!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

They're lion? The little feckers,if only I'd known they could talk I'd have made a million.They could even have denied eating the little brat Timmy.Thanks Weevil I'll keep this for future reference.

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Get rid of the butler, Mum and I will deliver leaflets and balloons for the CRAP campaign and I would advise against peacocks....they make you jump.
Phase in singing tortoises and armadillos, and a happy hour where Guinness is never more that 1 euro, and you'll be laughing, geez.
If all else fails, get Robert Kilroy Silk in the stocks, and you'll have a stampede....

Totalfeckineejit said...

Great advise/ideas, Auntie.Something really will haveto be done about Jimmy the Butler, maybe ebay isthe answer?

Argent said...

Hello, I came by here via Watercats and I'll be coming back again and again. More CRAP is needed fer sure. Might I suggest you kidnap our Gordon Brown - the country would pay loads for you to keep him and you could even feed him to the lions - we'd pay to see that as well! Cheers

Totalfeckineejit said...

Hi, Argent, welcome to my humble ablog,the watercats are sure cool.Neat idea for G. Brown, I'm sure it could be arranged for a small fee though the lions will eat anything but politicians, they taste of bullshit they reckon :)
Thanks fer dropping by.