THE ROAD TO NOWHERE

I’m on the road to nowhere.
Nowhere is somewhere
I’ve often been
Seldom do you go back to miss
The things you’ve never seen
Two wheels, four wheels
We all have our wagons
To fall from.
Tales To tell,
tell me yours,
I’ll show you mine.
Take that ride
Radio Luxemburg to
Guide us, moonlight
Beside us, ride baby ride,
Seize the night.

Great craft auction website

Well we were down to our last €14 euros the other day,sometimes we are down to less than even a euro, but more euros are always around the corner , we have the ability and the option to accrue them, we are lucky,compared to most, we are filled with hope and laden down with opportunity. How would it feel to have no money at all and no hope of ever having any.We (The EEjits )sometimes consider ourselves poor which on a worldwide scale is a total nonesense. We have plenty of food (I am ridiculously overweight and I am ashamed to admit that I need to eat less to improve my health when people across the globe are hungry or starving, moreover I am sure the millions we spend here in the first world on dietry aids ,gimmicks ,fads and weight loss classes would be a brutally incomprehensible and cruel revelation to the mother of a starving child)) i drink alcohol far more often than I should,and even when down to the last few euros we have every luxury of television , phone , mobile phone, heat , light, a solid roof over our heads, a computer our own personal transport.Beyond that we have neighbours and family who are in a position to always help us in an emergency.In short we live like kings.I am sure the people of Darfur would be sickened to hear the likes of me whingeing about being poor,it is an insult to them. With this in mind I am posting a link to a brilliant website/blog created to help the refugees of Darfur.It auctions brilliant often unusual artwork and crafts.Mrs EEjit says the jewellery and bags are lovely and I have already seen some handmade street art photo cards that I really liked and it's fun to bid by just leaving a comment on the blog with the amount you'd like to pay-a sort of charitable ebay only the stuff isn't crap. Please go along and have a look. Dear fellow bloggers you might consider also adding the link to your sidebar-just visit the website copy the code and paste it into your 'Add a gadget' thingy/yoke.All arty people ye may have something to donate? Anyway, as the people themselves put it.......Made4aid is an online charity auction of high quality, handcrafted items donated by crafters and artists throughout the world.The organisation is run by volunteers and is entirely non-profit-making, with all proceeds being sent for relief work in the refugee camps in Darfur.Visit the official Made4Aid website for more information.

CASTLE EEJIT BANKRUPT ????

It's no use denying it folks the dosh has departed, the filthy lucre gone looking for a new home, the cash has crashed, the spondulicks has skedaddled,the...Ahh fugh it yew get the picture.We spent most of yesterday gathering brass coins out of the sofa and drawers and various tins and pots and pans and shelves and bringing them to the coinstar in Tesco,harvesting a total of €14.40 which is barely enough to pay Jimmy the butler's wages for the next six months let alone Cook's wages and all the other sundry requirements of a 14 bedroomed medieval castle. The castle ramparts are in disarray to the point of collapse and the portcullis is broken almost beyond repair.It's not just the recession ,though that has hit us hard, but various lawsuits brought against us by the visiting public.unfortunately we had no public liability insurance to cover us against unforseen accidents .I mainly blame jimmy the Butler for he had previously been a lion tamer in a travelling circus and convinced us it would be a good idea to open the grounds to fee paying visitors as a safari park. We left the arrangements up to him and he secured the services of many retired exotic circus animals including elephants and lions.The elephants were no trouble at all but the feckin lions were always hungry ,no matter what you fed them. One day we ran out of lion food entirely and the hungry beasts took matters into their own paws and ate a small boy who had strayed beyond the clearly indicated exclusion zone.The parents made an awful fuss altogether, made such a song and a dance of it,I couldn't believe it.The way they carried on you would think it was their only child but they had THREE others!!! We offered them free season tickets, one day specials to see the lions at feeding time, reduced price lifetime membership of the castle wild club (with 10% discount in the gift shop) and still they weren't happy ,kept weeping and wailing about 'poor, poor, Timmy' I even offered to name the lion that ate him 'Timmy' as some kind of commemoration and they just threw it back in my face and insisted on sueing us for damages.That payout and a few others to the ESB have left us almost destitute.So, in order to save the castle ,in particular the ramparts and the portcullis, i am announcing the launch of the 'Conserve ramparts and portcullis' campaign or CRAP for short.

HIPPO ON A MOTORCYCLE €4000

Hippo on a motorcycle the first in an exciting collection of avant garden sculptures by world famous poet and photographer , Alphonsus, Aloyuisus, TotalfeckinEEjit
.According to art critic Brian Suet these sculptures 'portray intimate details of the script of 'life' both as we know it in a super nova cognitive manner and as we percieve it (or not) with the subconscious

.They are (paradoxically) both an explanation and denial of mans ability and inability to express himself through the medium of dance. These teleological timepieces (that rust and decay and pass just as we humans do) are not just allegorical they are reality depicted in exactitude, no metaphor in this metal.(According to EEjit these incredible installations took many ,many minutes to make and almost an hour of thinking.) Mr Suet continues ' looking at EEjits work it's hard not to question the past, while querying the point of the future,positing ethnology ,biology,capitilism ,marxism,the planet itself and the unfathomabilty of it's inhabitants.Furthermore they give impetus to the swinging pendulum of the 'Is this art?' brigade and then stop them dead.They give an appropriation of the meaning of existential life that is both permanent and transient, latent yet so, so obvious, like the once ironically trendy kitsch ideal, we (through the artists visionary restraints) are held held hostage in a kitchen drawer. The simplicity of the piece is a red herring,even EEjit himself, the master of double-think and denial, claims the whole lot was just a load of shite that he found on a beach, that he lashed together under the influence of alcoholol.Well Mr EEjit is fooling no-one. The genius of the piece is realised through the emotional and physical distance between the viewer and the sculpture.At first glance it is an impersonal one, yet with familiarity the gap is narrowed to infinity and a new united perspective of duality is achieved.The Devil and angel within us, of change and chance, represent the inner model in response to the outer creation and we transcend barriers of apathy till ultimate involvement and empathy with the sculpture. Marvellous! '

POLITICS BY CAROL ANN DUFFY

Her first poem as laureate and I think it's the first poem by any laureate that I've ever thought was any good,I like it.Whhat do yous think?


How it makes of your face a stone
that aches to weep, of your heart a fist,
clenched or thumping, sweating blood, of your tongue
an iron latch with no door. How it makes of your right hand
a gauntlet, a glove-puppet of the left, of your laugh
a dry leaf blowing in the wind, of your desert island discs
hiss hiss hiss, makes of the words on your lips dice
that can throw no six. How it takes the breath
away, the piss, makes of your kiss a dropped pound coin,
makes of your promises latin, gibberish, feedback, static,
of your hair a wig, of your gait a plankwalk. How it says this –
politics – to your education education education; shouts this –
Politics! – to your health and wealth; how it roars, to your
conscience moral compass truth, POLITICS POLITICS POLITICS.

RIGHT THAT'S IT SUMMER HAS BEEN CANCELLED

Feck the weathermen the metereological statistics and all that nonsense , I ,TFE ,being of reasonably (albeit highly medicated) sound mind and body am hereby today officially declaring this Summer 2009 to be the worst fukin summer in the whole history of the world since time began even including the ice age or when the Dinosaurs jossed it or anything. Although I am not a person prone to random acts of violence , I also hereby also declare and solemnly swear giving all due warning and whatever legal caveats that are reasonably required under the ethos of fair play and/or jurisprudence, that the next person to say to me, or within earshot of me, that we are going to have a scorcher this year, is going to have a beet fork forcibly rammed up their anus. So , there you have it,and don't let anybody say I didn't warn them and ,yes, I am as of this very moment never leaving the house without said beet fork and will keep it ready and handy at all times of day and night. Thank you.

FLASH FICTION PUBLISHED

Hello comrades I have a very short story (Flash fiction) published on the Ink Sweat and Tears website http://www.ink-sweat-and-tears.com/ It's called 'Her sister's wedding' If you get a chance please go and have a read and if possible please leave a comment in the Ink Sweat and Tears comments box thing. (click on' leave comment' bottom left at the end of story and brief biog then 'post a comment' appears, click on this and leave message in the box.) Thanks Amigos.
Ps. If you could ask/persuade/threaten, any, or all,of your friends to do the same my large cup of (albeit temporary) happiness would runneth over. Remember this tiny story is guaranteed to cure all minor ailments (including warts ,diarrhoea, nervous twitches, piles, hay fever and curly teeth) or your money back.
Pps. As a notoriously bad speller it speaks volumes that one of the few words (over 4 letters) that I can write without the aid of a dictionary is diarrhoea.

BONUS TRACK-ONE NIGHT ONLY

There's heat, the world's a kitchen,
and if you can't stand it, well.
Pulling them knives to dig the dirt
man everybody has some hurt
if you look hard enough.
Broken pots the lot of us,
pieced together as best we can
words the best and worst of glues
poetry conundrums full of clues.
Rhyme, rhyme why hast thou?
Forsaken meaning for the moment
sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth
and the whole point is no different
than the thief in the night
the silence before dawn
full of questions,question.

JUNE SONG

Between

All I have done

all I could do
They are all dead
The best people
They are all written
The great things
Jasmine blooming
Despite or because of
The rain
All the good nights are gone
Not a care in the world
See the dark

sees the light
Carpe diem

TFE's BAD GOOD BEER GUIDE

Hello comrades and welcome to more helpful hints from the worlds biggest EEjit. My new beer guide will be an irregular unthorough and shallow sampling of all the worlds greatest beers, so if you have any you'd like to send me to be reviewed(I'm particularly looking for breweries and large quantities here) then please feel free to do so.My views are non partisan and totally independent unless of course you want a guaranteed good review in which case send me a barrel of beer and /or plenty of money. All beers will be graded using my patented Shane MacGowan scale or Mac's out of ten as I call it,one Mac being the lowest and 10 Mac's being the highest. I kick off with a Scottish beer (From Edinburgh) that I have never tasted before.My previous experience of scottish beers is limited to luke warm cans of midget-sized McKewans priced at their weight in gold on British Rail trains in the 80's and tasting like pish as they say in Burns country. This particular beer however is Innis and Gunn oak aged beer which according to the blur,I mean the blurb, on the back is matured in oak barrells for thirty days then emptied and allowed to mature for a further 47 days resulting in a delicious refreshing beer with aromas of vanilla and toffee( Is this a beer or some class o fancy-dan vino I'm wundrin?) a hint of citrus, and a malty, lightly oaked finish. In reality it tasted like whiskey and pepper to me , very dizappointing. At 6.6 vol alcohol it is high in the getting pissed stakes but low on value at €2.20 per 330ml. I give this beer 3 Mac's out of 10.

News from The Stinging Fly

Hello everyone,The shortlist for the 2009 Davy Byrnes Irish Writing Award will be announced on Saturday in The Irish Times.Over 800 stories were entered for the competition and we are now down to the final six. The six winning writers have been notified.The overall winner of the €25,000 prize will be announced on Monday June 22nd. The five remaining shortlisted writers will receive €1000 each.Thanks are due to all who entered to the competition and to Redmond Doran of Davy Byrnes for his very generous sponsorship. While the six shortlisted writers are clearly the main beneficiaries, the Award represents a great boost to the short story itself - encouraging people to write short stories, to read them and to celebrate them.It's very fitting that the overall winner of the Davy Byrnes Irish Writing Award will be announced in the same week that Alice Munro will be in Dublin to receive the Man Booker International Prize.Onwards and upwards...Declan-- Declan MeadePublisher/EditorThe Stinging FlyPO Box 6016Dublin 8 Ireland

I really like short stories I think they are sometimes underated and often overlooked so I am delighted that short story writer, Alice Munro ,has won The Man Booker International prize.The stinging fly http://www.stingingfly.org/ under the auspices of Declan Meade does trojan work in promoting the short story and is one of my favourite magazines (it and The SHOp are the only 2 mags I HAVE to buy despite the poetry in the fly often not really floating my boat ) It also showcases new photographers and illustrators which is great. The New Yorker Magazine website http://www.newyorker.com/ has some great stories to listen to on their podcasts .Try out 'Bullet in the brain' by Tobias Wolff to see how good a short story can be http://www.newyorker.com/online/2008/02/11/080211on_audio_boyle and let me know what you think.

Totallydeservedthis

I am totally delighted and honoured to be the first recipient of this newly minted highly prestigious award.When you consider the amount of fuckin EEjits in the world it is no mean feat to be numero uno in the idiot stakes.That I was chosen as winner long before the year was out is further testimony to the class and calibre of my stupidity. I would also add that unlike much of the poetry world this award was judged by somebody who actually knew what they were talking about ,ie my favourite aunt, 'Mad Aunt Bernard' http://madauntbernard.blogspot.com/ totally madder than two boxes of frogs, she's wired to the moon, a complete Looper of the highest order , please check out her tortoise oriented lunacy.I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her for this precious accolade and to also remind her that I haven't yet received the 'I'm an EEjit who the feck are you?' Tee shirt or the €10,000 cash prize as clearly stated in the EEjit awards handbook.
The above picture of me was taken shortly after I tried drying my hair with an old mangle.Ever since this incident to save embarrassment my mother explained away the conical shape of my head as due to being a forceps baby.

Eurobean elections

Eurobean election candidates

1) Mr Bean -Independent

2)Has Bean -Fine Gael

3)Broad Bean -Rights for overweight people party

4) Abroad bean -Politicians hoping for free travel party

5) String Bean -Underweight Peoples Alliance

6) Runner Bean -The take The Money and Run Party

7)Baked Bean -Fianna Fail (I think their goose is cooked too)

8) Green Bean (looks like a green , sounds like a green, but tastes just like a baked bean) -The Green Party.

9) Shoulda Bean -The TotalFeckinEEjit Party

10)Marijuana Bean -Let's party