Wednesday, June 23, 2010


If there is something that doesn't get mentioned in poetry that you think should be mentioned, pop it in the comments box and I'll try to rectify the situation with a short verse. This is a limited offer, a one day closing down sale of poetry for the overlooked and overshadowed, the poetically bereft and forgotten items,body parts, people, places, all the multifarious dull or tawdry subjects in the world. Now is their time. All comments put in the box by midnite will be guaranteed a poem(terms and conditions and weather forecasts apply)

This one is for Titus whose previous comment gave me the idea.

Essex girls.

See the Es-sex girl
her head in a whirl
as she dances around her handbag
white stilettos for the urban get-goes
and micro mini her gladrag

She'll kiss you once
she'll kiss you twice
she'll be naughty if you are nice
but Essex girls are cats
and men their mice

So watch yourself.


European Container & Trailer Operators World-Wide Freight Forwarding and Logistics
a world of maps and charts , numbers and signs,
economic performance and statistics
they see the world in a million ways, each one lacking in sweet beauty
a tree lined scenic drive through France becomes nothing more than duty.

Trade switching countries from one place to another
as the planet coughs in diesel fumes
and we begin to smother
perhaps it's time we were heard
made our protests clear and vocal
the best produce that you can buy
is the produce produced local


Potholes, the earths assholes,
Fill 'em all in
gather up your rubbish and bitumen.
Stuff them with junk mail,
fill them with bills,
make them a repository
for all of our ills.

Stuff them don't smash(into) them
riddle them ree
clog them with bullshit
and buckets of pee

I love Potholes
They are not deep but are round
poetically speaking
I'm back on safe ground


Comical epitaphs? Well Ogden Nash is credited with the world's shortest poem. About fleas, it is simply... 'Adam, had 'em.'

Which in my book is 4 syllabubs.

When the (at the time) President of America Ronald Reagan died, I thought I'd beaten that with... 'Ron? Gone!'

which is only 2 syllabubs,I did send it out, but nobody would publo it. Ah, well!

This could be a whole new offshoot, if anyone wants an epitaph for someone (preferably famearse) put it in the commentarios box.

Midsummer night's dream
(Based on truth)

Strawberries and Cream
That Wimbledon June dream
I remember Chrissy Evert
for she was my favert
to a young boys ears
back through the years
she served a siren song better than Yvonne Goolagong

We snuck our way in
and we drank Gordon's gin
and we saw(me and Seamus)
though he wasn't quite famous
John McEnroe go toe to toe
with someone we didn't know

And boy we did grin so filled up with gin
and I have to report we were asked to leave court
for the effect of our noise caused McEnroe lose poise
and I state here in verse we made McEnroe curse
for it's a habit he gained though we no longer remained.

Another trip to the green we could never have seen
as such a trip could never be afforded
but I know cos I was there
that we first made Mac swear
thus another claim to fame is recorded.


Technology and old people go hand in hand
like petrol, lighters, and thatches
or like hand grenades for tennis balls
whacked at wimbledon matches

It's not because we are wrinkly
or that we cannot thinkly
it's just that computers are designed
with younger people in mind

We need a computer we can reason with
to make them understand
not tapping on a keyboard or
clicking mouse with hand

If we could talk and tell
and they would listen and do
they might just manage something
that we wanted them to

But as they just grow more complex
our tired minds they vex
so with our relationship looking hazier
I vote for computeranasea.

I’m going out for lunch

I’m going out for lunch

So I’ll bring something to munch,

I think I’ll take

some chicken fried steak

With a dollop of red eye gravy,

Lovely Hog jowls with curly teeth

And whiskers nice and wavy

Black eyed peas,

Go down with ease

With collard greens and fried okra,

followed by peach cobbler, and a pot of sweet tea

a recipe that I saw on Oprah.

So I’ll go to the café,

And then I’ll say

For my lunch I will be staying.

And I think that I oughta,

Just order some water,

As it’s only for water I’m paying.



Gwei Mui said...

LOL they say it's a cliche but I have to say I've witnessed it first hand on more than one occasion!

Niamh B said...

"European Container & Trailer Operators World-Wide Freight Forwarding and Logistics"

- from an ad on my desk, if it was poetified it might be a bit more bearable to look at.

My wv is "table" - surely that couldn't be allowed?!

Titus said...

TFE, I think I'm going to die happy now and have this engraved on my huge, white marble (plus inset photograph) bling-bling gravestone, which comes with optional Burberry raincover.
I don't want anything else. I am poetically replete.

Titus said...

Hang on, you've just written Niamh's in ten minutes. How do you do that? Fabulous end lines.

Jessica Maybury said...

breast reconstruction surgery for page 3 girls! On a related note, I had an operation on my breast a few years ago to remove a lump, and this artist I was modelling for at the time wrote me the following poem:

All the bess
to pre-op jess
they'll drug you
they'll cut you
like folk off their rockers
at the end of the
day you'll still have
your knockers.

Anonymous said...

your artical is so funny!! it make me so happy!! .................................................................

家信 said...

I guess I will need a lot.................................................................

Niamh B said...

FFS!! Excellent, what a talent you are sir!

Thank you very much, I shall print and put over the actual calender... perhaps

Argent said...

Potholes. Can we have one about potholes, please. My home town is drowning in the feckers - that, or pedestrian crossings. You is poetik jeenyuss!

cosmoscami said...

Comical epitaphs?

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

the challenge is up

Totalfeckineejit said...

Cliches a speciality today, Gwei Mui!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thank you Nivby.Will do.Actually have done, but just trying to sound like this is a live happening.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Knew you'd like it, Titus.It's the new 'Billericay Dickie'.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Titus, I think it's because I is a Geniarse.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Jessica, boy, you have me beat! Categorically and emphatically. I did write something, it's either the finest thing I ever wrote or a grotesque sentimentalisation of a heavy subject.Or a bit of both! Any which way I will put it on hold.
Your artist friend did a better job than I could ever do!And
I am so glad you are well.

Totalfeckineejit said...

家信 THank You! Twice!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes Niamh, I am a talent.A unique one.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Argent. Potholes? Pas de probleme.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Et merci.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Cosmoscami.What a great name! Thanklee, it is accomplished.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks DFTP! Will check it out pronto!

The Weaver of Grass said...

Let's have something nice for a change eej - what about strawberries and cream?

Heather said...

You've been busy TFE - great stuff especially Tradelines. I like your solutions for dealing with potholes. My Mum and her sisters were Essex girls but I daresay they were different 90yrs ago - I hope so anyway. As for a subject for poetry - how about old people trying to cope with technology?!!

Titus said...

Last stanza of "Potholes" is genius! You should start a magazine or something.

Argent said...

Hahah I love my potholes pome! I'm going out in the dead of night tonight with armloads of junk mail and some buckets of pee hee hee.

Jeanne Iris said...

Well, it's only 9:26 p.m. here, so......

A Good ol' fashioned Southern meal:
Chicken fried steak with red eye gravy, hog jowls, black eyed peas, collard greens and fried okra, followed by peach cobbler, and a choice of sweet tea or Guinness bubble tea. ; )