HIPPO ON A MOTORCYCLE €4000

Hippo on a motorcycle the first in an exciting collection of avant garden sculptures by world famous poet and photographer , Alphonsus, Aloyuisus, TotalfeckinEEjit
.According to art critic Brian Suet these sculptures 'portray intimate details of the script of 'life' both as we know it in a super nova cognitive manner and as we percieve it (or not) with the subconscious

.They are (paradoxically) both an explanation and denial of mans ability and inability to express himself through the medium of dance. These teleological timepieces (that rust and decay and pass just as we humans do) are not just allegorical they are reality depicted in exactitude, no metaphor in this metal.(According to EEjit these incredible installations took many ,many minutes to make and almost an hour of thinking.) Mr Suet continues ' looking at EEjits work it's hard not to question the past, while querying the point of the future,positing ethnology ,biology,capitilism ,marxism,the planet itself and the unfathomabilty of it's inhabitants.Furthermore they give impetus to the swinging pendulum of the 'Is this art?' brigade and then stop them dead.They give an appropriation of the meaning of existential life that is both permanent and transient, latent yet so, so obvious, like the once ironically trendy kitsch ideal, we (through the artists visionary restraints) are held held hostage in a kitchen drawer. The simplicity of the piece is a red herring,even EEjit himself, the master of double-think and denial, claims the whole lot was just a load of shite that he found on a beach, that he lashed together under the influence of alcoholol.Well Mr EEjit is fooling no-one. The genius of the piece is realised through the emotional and physical distance between the viewer and the sculpture.At first glance it is an impersonal one, yet with familiarity the gap is narrowed to infinity and a new united perspective of duality is achieved.The Devil and angel within us, of change and chance, represent the inner model in response to the outer creation and we transcend barriers of apathy till ultimate involvement and empathy with the sculpture. Marvellous! '

POLITICS BY CAROL ANN DUFFY

Her first poem as laureate and I think it's the first poem by any laureate that I've ever thought was any good,I like it.Whhat do yous think?


How it makes of your face a stone
that aches to weep, of your heart a fist,
clenched or thumping, sweating blood, of your tongue
an iron latch with no door. How it makes of your right hand
a gauntlet, a glove-puppet of the left, of your laugh
a dry leaf blowing in the wind, of your desert island discs
hiss hiss hiss, makes of the words on your lips dice
that can throw no six. How it takes the breath
away, the piss, makes of your kiss a dropped pound coin,
makes of your promises latin, gibberish, feedback, static,
of your hair a wig, of your gait a plankwalk. How it says this –
politics – to your education education education; shouts this –
Politics! – to your health and wealth; how it roars, to your
conscience moral compass truth, POLITICS POLITICS POLITICS.

RIGHT THAT'S IT SUMMER HAS BEEN CANCELLED

Feck the weathermen the metereological statistics and all that nonsense , I ,TFE ,being of reasonably (albeit highly medicated) sound mind and body am hereby today officially declaring this Summer 2009 to be the worst fukin summer in the whole history of the world since time began even including the ice age or when the Dinosaurs jossed it or anything. Although I am not a person prone to random acts of violence , I also hereby also declare and solemnly swear giving all due warning and whatever legal caveats that are reasonably required under the ethos of fair play and/or jurisprudence, that the next person to say to me, or within earshot of me, that we are going to have a scorcher this year, is going to have a beet fork forcibly rammed up their anus. So , there you have it,and don't let anybody say I didn't warn them and ,yes, I am as of this very moment never leaving the house without said beet fork and will keep it ready and handy at all times of day and night. Thank you.

FLASH FICTION PUBLISHED

Hello comrades I have a very short story (Flash fiction) published on the Ink Sweat and Tears website http://www.ink-sweat-and-tears.com/ It's called 'Her sister's wedding' If you get a chance please go and have a read and if possible please leave a comment in the Ink Sweat and Tears comments box thing. (click on' leave comment' bottom left at the end of story and brief biog then 'post a comment' appears, click on this and leave message in the box.) Thanks Amigos.
Ps. If you could ask/persuade/threaten, any, or all,of your friends to do the same my large cup of (albeit temporary) happiness would runneth over. Remember this tiny story is guaranteed to cure all minor ailments (including warts ,diarrhoea, nervous twitches, piles, hay fever and curly teeth) or your money back.
Pps. As a notoriously bad speller it speaks volumes that one of the few words (over 4 letters) that I can write without the aid of a dictionary is diarrhoea.

BONUS TRACK-ONE NIGHT ONLY

There's heat, the world's a kitchen,
and if you can't stand it, well.
Pulling them knives to dig the dirt
man everybody has some hurt
if you look hard enough.
Broken pots the lot of us,
pieced together as best we can
words the best and worst of glues
poetry conundrums full of clues.
Rhyme, rhyme why hast thou?
Forsaken meaning for the moment
sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth
and the whole point is no different
than the thief in the night
the silence before dawn
full of questions,question.

JUNE SONG

Between

All I have done

all I could do
They are all dead
The best people
They are all written
The great things
Jasmine blooming
Despite or because of
The rain
All the good nights are gone
Not a care in the world
See the dark

sees the light
Carpe diem

TFE's BAD GOOD BEER GUIDE

Hello comrades and welcome to more helpful hints from the worlds biggest EEjit. My new beer guide will be an irregular unthorough and shallow sampling of all the worlds greatest beers, so if you have any you'd like to send me to be reviewed(I'm particularly looking for breweries and large quantities here) then please feel free to do so.My views are non partisan and totally independent unless of course you want a guaranteed good review in which case send me a barrel of beer and /or plenty of money. All beers will be graded using my patented Shane MacGowan scale or Mac's out of ten as I call it,one Mac being the lowest and 10 Mac's being the highest. I kick off with a Scottish beer (From Edinburgh) that I have never tasted before.My previous experience of scottish beers is limited to luke warm cans of midget-sized McKewans priced at their weight in gold on British Rail trains in the 80's and tasting like pish as they say in Burns country. This particular beer however is Innis and Gunn oak aged beer which according to the blur,I mean the blurb, on the back is matured in oak barrells for thirty days then emptied and allowed to mature for a further 47 days resulting in a delicious refreshing beer with aromas of vanilla and toffee( Is this a beer or some class o fancy-dan vino I'm wundrin?) a hint of citrus, and a malty, lightly oaked finish. In reality it tasted like whiskey and pepper to me , very dizappointing. At 6.6 vol alcohol it is high in the getting pissed stakes but low on value at €2.20 per 330ml. I give this beer 3 Mac's out of 10.

News from The Stinging Fly

Hello everyone,The shortlist for the 2009 Davy Byrnes Irish Writing Award will be announced on Saturday in The Irish Times.Over 800 stories were entered for the competition and we are now down to the final six. The six winning writers have been notified.The overall winner of the €25,000 prize will be announced on Monday June 22nd. The five remaining shortlisted writers will receive €1000 each.Thanks are due to all who entered to the competition and to Redmond Doran of Davy Byrnes for his very generous sponsorship. While the six shortlisted writers are clearly the main beneficiaries, the Award represents a great boost to the short story itself - encouraging people to write short stories, to read them and to celebrate them.It's very fitting that the overall winner of the Davy Byrnes Irish Writing Award will be announced in the same week that Alice Munro will be in Dublin to receive the Man Booker International Prize.Onwards and upwards...Declan-- Declan MeadePublisher/EditorThe Stinging FlyPO Box 6016Dublin 8 Ireland

I really like short stories I think they are sometimes underated and often overlooked so I am delighted that short story writer, Alice Munro ,has won The Man Booker International prize.The stinging fly http://www.stingingfly.org/ under the auspices of Declan Meade does trojan work in promoting the short story and is one of my favourite magazines (it and The SHOp are the only 2 mags I HAVE to buy despite the poetry in the fly often not really floating my boat ) It also showcases new photographers and illustrators which is great. The New Yorker Magazine website http://www.newyorker.com/ has some great stories to listen to on their podcasts .Try out 'Bullet in the brain' by Tobias Wolff to see how good a short story can be http://www.newyorker.com/online/2008/02/11/080211on_audio_boyle and let me know what you think.

Totallydeservedthis

I am totally delighted and honoured to be the first recipient of this newly minted highly prestigious award.When you consider the amount of fuckin EEjits in the world it is no mean feat to be numero uno in the idiot stakes.That I was chosen as winner long before the year was out is further testimony to the class and calibre of my stupidity. I would also add that unlike much of the poetry world this award was judged by somebody who actually knew what they were talking about ,ie my favourite aunt, 'Mad Aunt Bernard' http://madauntbernard.blogspot.com/ totally madder than two boxes of frogs, she's wired to the moon, a complete Looper of the highest order , please check out her tortoise oriented lunacy.I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her for this precious accolade and to also remind her that I haven't yet received the 'I'm an EEjit who the feck are you?' Tee shirt or the €10,000 cash prize as clearly stated in the EEjit awards handbook.
The above picture of me was taken shortly after I tried drying my hair with an old mangle.Ever since this incident to save embarrassment my mother explained away the conical shape of my head as due to being a forceps baby.

Eurobean elections

Eurobean election candidates

1) Mr Bean -Independent

2)Has Bean -Fine Gael

3)Broad Bean -Rights for overweight people party

4) Abroad bean -Politicians hoping for free travel party

5) String Bean -Underweight Peoples Alliance

6) Runner Bean -The take The Money and Run Party

7)Baked Bean -Fianna Fail (I think their goose is cooked too)

8) Green Bean (looks like a green , sounds like a green, but tastes just like a baked bean) -The Green Party.

9) Shoulda Bean -The TotalFeckinEEjit Party

10)Marijuana Bean -Let's party