Friday, March 16, 2012


Patrick was a humble cobbler born in County Roscommon in 1942. He rose to fame and indeed sainthood by ridding Ireland of a terrible scourge,The snake of Knowledge. This snake was the deadliest, ugliest, most feared snake in all Ireland. It was the fastest snake in Ireland.It was the cleverest snake in Ireland. It was the richest snake in Ireland.It was the longest snake in Ireland.It was the shortest snake in Ireland.It was the slowest snake in Ireland. It was the stupidest snake in Ireland. It was the ONLY feckin snake in Ireland.
It had been left behind by invading Vikings in the early 1920's and was really pissed off as it hadn't had a shag in 20 years. This made it grumpy and unapproachable hence its fearsome reputation. Myth also had it that the snake contained all knowledge and if anyone were to eat its flesh they would know everything, a bit like Stephen Fry.

Anyways in the 1960's Jimmi Hendrix was on tour with Joe Dolan and they were to play a big concert at Boyle Castle supported by Big Tom and The Mainliners. Disaster struck just hours before the gig when Jimmi's snakeskin boots went missing, presumed stolen. Panic broke out as Jimmi broke down in tears wailing that he could not go on stage without his lucky boots. The whole town went mad searching for the missing boots in hope that they could be found and the gig go ahead.

Patrick was finishing up in his shed when he heard the news. Taking a quick look around he heard a frantic hissing in the haggard and there among the clamps of turf was the mighty snake being amorous with jimmi Hendrix's boots.Patrick leapt into action with a long handled beet fork and taking the pre-occupied snake by surprize killed it stone dead.You could say It came and went all in one go.
Patrick picked up the boots but they were in tatters, shagged out. Thinking on his feet Patrick whipped up the dead snake and deftly skinned it with a penknife to patch up the boots good as new.

The concert went ahead and Patrick was hailed as a hero, famous the length and breadth of the world, even as far as Ballyfermot. A week later his head exploded when he cooked and ate the snake.The myth had been true the snake did inded contain all knowledge. The vikings had in fact come bearing gifts but had been fucked off out of it by local dairy farmers who didn't think it funny that they had horns on their funny hats.

10 years after his death someone got out of purgatory 10 mnnutes early after strangely praying a novena to the dead cobbler for the help of his wisdom.The Pope at the time, Pope Pontius Pilates Eurythmics, heard of this story and declared 'E musta truly be a saint innit peeps' and so it came to be.


The Weaver of Grass said...


Heather said...

Top o' the morning to you on this fine day Peadar - hope it's a good one for you.
The extent of your knowledge astounds me. You should write a very large tome of Irish legends and folklore. Those already in existence are sadly lacking!

Susan Roux said...

Happy St. Paddy's Day to you! Great story!

Niamh B said...

interesting insights as always - could this be a return to form?!
is it true St Pat invented snake book as well?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Happlyo Siantee Poople Day Weecvo!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Top o the pint to you too senorita Heathlo!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Susan! Haappy Sta Paddlo Day Toi yopun too!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mrs Neeb Yes!

Kat Mortensen said...

I didn't know you were BACK! How come nobody told me?

Were Hendrix's boots made of snakeskin?

Hope you had a great St. Paddy's day. I got an Ipod. Kind of like my birthday, but with colcannon.

Toodles. (I'll be back!)


Karen said...

HE'S BAAAAACCCKK! 'bout danged time!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Noodles Kato!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Baaaackish, Karen!