Wednesday, March 23, 2011


No, it's not what you think. Can you believe it's that time again already? Just as you've managed the last one there's a new one. But that's what keeps us goin!

ANd Here it is

This week tiz the turn of Muse Swings who got her name from her days as top batter and pitcher for the 'Pennsylvania Fifty-sixer-and-a-nickel-poodle-pups' baseball team. She became famous for her mean throwing and batting action accompanied by improvisational stream of consciousness style poems used to intimidate and distract the oppostion.For those of you who don't understand Baseball, the rules are quite simple .

Play starts with a cat batter standing at home plate, holding a baby cat. The cat batter waits for the pitcher of beer and a plate, and attempts to hit the cat with a bat. The cat catcher catches the kittens that the batty batter does not hit—as a result of either electing not to swing or failing to connect—or being an animal lover.

At the beginning end of each half-ending inning, the nine hundred players on the fielding team arrange themselves in ballet positions around the field looking for mushrooms. One of them, the pitcher, stands on the shoulders of another.
The pitcher begins a pirhouette delivery with one foot on yer man's head, pushing off it to gain velocity when throwing a meat pie toward home plate, knife, and fork. Another player, the crapper, squats on the far side of home plate and does his business, facing the pitcher. The rest of the team watch TV, typically arranged as four hundred infielders—who set up along or within a few yards outside the nearest bar and picture imaginary zig-zag lines of transcendental meditation between first, second, and third base with their girlfriends —and yogic flying between the three hundred balletic outfielders.

In the standard arrangement, there is a policeman positioned several steps outside the bar as lookout to the left of first base, a second caveman to the right of second base eats a hot dog, a shortstop to the left of second vase of flowers wears a big hat and lifts in his baseball boots to make him look taller and a third milkman to the right of third base falls asleep. The basic outfield positions are right fielder,wrong fielder, and I told you so fielder.

A neutral umpire sets fire to himself up behind the crapper with some toilet roll...

A batter who hits the cat must then drop the cat and begin running home, at which point the player is referred to as a bastard for hitting the cat (or, until the play is over, a ****). A cat batterer-runner who reaches first base without being killed is said to be safe, but isn't really .

An anti cat batterer-runner may choose to remain at first base or attempt to destroy second base or even beyond with a pogo stick and a flame thrower.. A player who fails to reach base despite proper roadsigns has recorded a hit. A player who reaches first base safely on a hit is credited with a hit single, like Jedward.

If a player makes it to second base safely or hospital as a direct result of a hit, he gets a double brandy, third base, a triple. If the cat is hit in the air within four miles of the entire outfield (and outfield fence, if there is one), it is a home run the batter and any runners may 'free-base' ie may all freely circle the bases, each scoring a nun. This is the most desirable result for the cat batter, and the nun.

A player who reaches base due to a fielding mistake is not credited with a hit—instead he is shot twice in the legs with a pump action rifle.

Any runners already freebasing may attempt to talk to the man in the moon, or contact the ground, in fair territory, before or after the eagle has landed. A runner on first base must dress as a halloween pumpkin to advance if a cat lands in play. If a cat hit into play rolls over and dies before passing through the infield, it becomes glue and any runners must return to the planet they came from they when the world began.

If the cat is hit in the air and caught before it lands, the batter has to play three rounds of truth or dare and any runners on base may attempt to advance but only if they have legs.

Runners may also attempt to stick their fingers up the pitcher's nose while he is is in the process of delivering the cat to home plate—a successful effort is a 'green sticky'

A cat that is not hit into the field of play is called either a twit or a twat. A batter against whom three divorces are recorded strikes out. A batter who has four balls is awarded a base and a free advance to the clinic. (A batter may also freely advance to first base if any part of the batter's body or uniform is struck by lightning before the batter either swings a cat at it or it contacts the ground.) Crucial to determining balls and strikes is the umpire's jumper which is used to warm the strike zone, a conceptual area 3 miles above the atmosphere extending from the midpoint between the batter's shoulders and down to the hollow of the left knee.

I could go on all night, but in short...

someone throws a ball, someone else hits it with a stick and everybody goes home.

They've already got me, And I've said it before, but I'm saying it again: BEWARE OF THE FLOWERS BECAUSE I'M SURE THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU...YEAH!


Niamh B said...

bloody great, you should publish a book on the rules of various sports, fabaroony, loony and enlightening

Peter Goulding said...

Good Lord, are they really the rules of baseball? The cat looks pretty rigid on the television.
And many thanks for spreading the word of Otway and one half of his greatest hits.

Jeanne Iris said...

Don't believe him, y'all! Baseball is a fine sport, no cats allowed, which is why it's a fine sport. They're starting the season openers early this year, a bad call from the get-go, for Mother Nature is calling the shots, and she's not done with winter, yet.
I do enjoy your creativity, though, TFE!

Now join me in song, won't you?
❄♬ Take me out to the baaaaall-game... Take me out to the park. Buy me some peanuts and craaaackerjacks. I don't care if we ever get back...♫❄

Jeanne Iris said...


I posted my poem for this week's Bus ticket; however, my attempts to leave a comment on Muse's site resulted in 29 'errors,' so I'm posting my blog location here with you, oh fearless leader:

Heather said...

It's not a proper game is it? There's no kicking! Now in football someone kicks the ball, then kicks someone else who throws a wobbly, someone falls down and rolls about on the grass and someone hits someone else. That's real sport, that is!!!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Niamh. Fabaroony, loony and enlightening! Weren't they the three musketeers?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes, them's the rules Peter!
Otway is a demi-god.Can you play the geetar like that yet?

Totalfeckineejit said...

Twas the only thing I could think of Jeanne. I am sure baseball is a fine sport with or without cats! Go Yankees!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Sorted Prof!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Now Heather,ha ha! You've outdone me!
I don't needs the competition ya hear?!

The Weaver of Grass said...

I am totally and utterly besotted with that golden hare in your header - what is it and where is it please?

No poetic muse at present - it now seems it may be down to the drugs I am having to take - don't know whether that is good news or bad.

Niamh B said...

if they weren't they should've been - I'm waiting for your guide to muskateering to find out

MuseSwings said...

I've never in my life heard the rules of baseball explained so well. Bravo. For this you get to third base without sliding - no grass stains on your plus-fours. I'm hoping you will explain American football next installment!

MuseSwings said...

I've never before heard the rules of baseball explained so well! You get a free walk to third base. No sliding means no grass stains on your plus-fours. I'm hoping to see your take on the rules of American Football next installment.

Argent said...

At last! A clear and simple-to-follow explanation of baseball!

Totalfeckineejit said...

Muskateering, that's bit like orienteering only with the entrails of peasants.

Totalfeckineejit said...

It's yours for a tenner Weaver, i got it in the red sticker final reductions at TK Maxx. I took it down to the sea to show it the moon as it doesn't get out much and is always asking.

Real pity your poetry powers are diminished, specially if it's the blasted tablets.

I often wonder what my writing would be like if I came off my tablets (anti- depressants)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Thanks Muse SWings, yes maybe I will help out explaining American football . It can seem a little bewildering to the untrained eye.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Yes, Argent, I like to simplify things. I have a knack for it, even at skool the teachers said I was simple.